Stinko de Mayo

It’s official! My days of wacky dinners, dressing up, and talking the boys into funny photos are over. At least for Nick. Last night he refused to wear the sombrero and march around the restaurant with the Mariachi band. I tried everything to get him to participate.

M: Come on, it’s Cinco de Mayo!
N: We are not Mexican!
M: Geez, can’t you just share their joy?
N: No more margaritas mom!
M: Yes dear. (but for the record, I didn’t have a margarita)
M: I'll give you $5 if you get up there.
N: No way, you’ll take a picture.
M: I promise I won’t *fingers crossed*
N: No mom, no, no, no! And I’m not going to change my mind.
M: Do you want to walk home?
N: Sure, it’s not that far.
M: Oh, OK, I guess Devon and I will have to march without you.
N: *Triumphant grin*

I had a dream...

that I went out on the town in an outfit that I use to wear 25 lbs ago. I was very pleased with the fact that I could still fit into it even though I have gained so much weight. I didn’t bother to look in the mirror until I arrived at the restaurant where I was meeting a WHOLE BUNCH of friends. As I walked through the front door I saw myself in the full-length mirror behind the front desk.
My skirt was way to tight, causing a big fat roll to hang over. It looked like I had two sets of boobs. My shirt was skintight and a few inches to short. I looked like a sausage. Of course I didn’t wear a coat, so I couldn’t hide what I didn’t want to be seen. I was horrified and as I looked down I caught sight of my black nylons. They had a huge rip that went all the way down my leg. The rip exposed my very hairy (man hairy) legs. I wanted to leave but many of my friends had already spotted me. As I riffled through my purse looking for my cell phone, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to face the pastor of my church. I started to try and explain what the heck I was doing in public looking like I did and… I woke up.
The first thing I did was check my legs for hair.

Here kitty kitty

Walk, walk, WALK… don’t look, DON’T EVEN LOOK!!!!!

I ducked into a little Mexican bakery, trying to divert my attention. Out of the corner of my eye I could see it… big, yellow, SCREAMING MY NAME!
It was the sign in the Pet Store window; broadcasting the 3 words that will always be my demise.

WE HAVE KITTENS!!!

I can’t control myself.
I am addicted to pussy!
I love cats and I can’t have them where I am currently living. The only way I will survive this season is to stay completely away from all pet stores. I mean COMPLETELY! Not even a sideway glance.
If you are driving through Ventura County and you happen to see a crazy blonde in a silver Saturn, driving with her hands over her eyes through a PETSMART parking lot…yep, that would be me.

Splat

If I were a bird:

I would shit on your car
Fly far, far away.

If you need me:

I will be at the beach
Drinking Greyhounds
Watching my boys play

Memories- I found this picture while I was going through a box in the closet. It was taken 9 yrs ago but it seems like yesterday. 

What happened to "hello"

Last night as we are cleaning up after dinner, Nick’s cell phone starts ringing. He answers it: “Hey Dyke”. I stand there with my mouth open as he has a very friendly conversation with his friend.
After he said his goodbyes he says to me:

N: What?
M: WHO WAS THAT?
N: Daniel
M: Why did you call him a Dyke?
N: We just play around like that
M: Do you know what a Dyke is?
N: Yeah, one of those people who have both sex organs.
M: Ummm, no, that is a hermaphrodite. A Dyke is a slang term for a lesbian.
N: Oh my gosh, wait till I tell Daniel I just called him a lesbian! He is going to freak!

Maybe it is time for a refresher course of “Phone Etiquette 101”.

WHOA NELLY

Mornings with Devon are never boring. He has a way with telling stories. It is like an adventure every time. Besides the fact that he has a speech impediment (sometimes he sounds Japanese), he also likes to “fill in the blanks” when he doesn’t have all the facts.
This morning’s conversation was about the lunch lady, who drives a Hummer.

D: There is the lunch ladies Hummer
M: Did she get a new car?
D: I don’t know this is a new lunch lady
M: What happened to the other lunch lady? Didn’t she drive a Hummer too?
D: Yes, she had the really big Hummer, that’s because she has been doing her job for 23 years. She started doing it when she just got out of school or college.
M: Did she get a new job?
D: I think she is just going to let her husband work for a while and rest. Or maybe she went to a retirement home or back to college.
M: Well goodness, how old is she?
D: Like 54 or 78, something pretty old.
M: Trying not to giggle
D: Hey, there is Joseph! Oh yeah, today is our Health and Human Development class, we are going to learn about –you know what!? “Hey Joe... gotta go, love you mom…japanesejdkdlsjoejoeflllluumommbyee.

I can’t wait to hear his take on “Sex education”!

Hmmmmmmm

At 4:30 this morning (yes, I get up at that ungodly hour), I heard Devon talking in his sleep. When I went into his room he was saying, “Pinocchio, I am the Blue Fairy” and laughing softly. I just giggled, but I wonder what the heck he was dreaming about!

Excuse me

After that last post I feel much better. It is very stressful working with Mrs. Boss. She only knows how to do one thing. That leaves me to do the other 20, while still accomplishing all my daily tasks. I am frazzled, worn out and drained (get it, I’m beat).

I actually tried to run a credit card payment through the fax machine. It was denied!

TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF!!!!!!!1

Hummph

Weekend was messy
Monday was…Monday
Co-worker gone
Working with Mrs. Boss
Doing all the work
GOING CRAZY!!!!!!

The royal family

Family jewels, they need some, set in nice big tiaras. My ex and his family are such drama queens. Newest drama, in short form:

Ex talked to Nick online the other night and accused him of having a website with links to “kiddie porn” and drugs (he said the girls were around 5-10 yrs old). Nick was freaked out, denied the accusations and asked where he found this website. His dad said that he had hacked into the site and deleted it. He told Nick he was going to end up in “juvie” and he better get his shit together. He threatened to send uncle S down to straighten him out. He then told Nick that his house is wired with cameras that record what he says and does while he is visiting them. More freakishness occurs and Nick is reduced to tears. He pleads his innocence and his dad logs out and has not spoken to him in a week.

Last night at about 8:30 I get a call from uncle S. He is coming down (no, he didn’t ask, he told me) to spend some time with the boys. He said he would like to spend the night. I didn’t know what to say, so…he is on his way. He will be at my house at 1:00 today.

Now a couple of things really bug me about this situation:

*The ex and I are the adults and parents, why didn’t he call me and ask me if I was aware of Nick’s Internet site. I am on his computer daily, I check everywhere he has been and I archive all of his chats. He knows this. I have not found anything other than inappropriate language.

*I also know that Nick is not into “little girls”, he is more of a Pamela Anderson boy. I also talk to Nick about any concerns I have. His dad can’t seem to pick up the phone, everything is done online.

*He accuses his son of doing awful things and then logs out, leaving Nick feeling awful and confused.

*Uncle S will be at my house when I am not home. He is also my ex’s brother and going to be sleeping on my couch. I know he is coming to check things out and that makes me mad.

This is such a weird situation. I wonder how long it is going to take them to get over the drama and just try to be good parents? They seem to be so hell bent on finding something wrong that they are destroying their relationship with their kids.

Oh, I just don’t have the energy for this!
I hope the maid remembers to roll out the red carpet.

When I grow up...

On our drives to school in the morning, Devon and I get some time to talk about things, you know, important things. We usually talk about his favorite video game or the things he wants to do with his Legos. This morning we talked about the future. Well, I talked about the future-future and he talked about the immediate future.

D. I wish I was out of school; I can’t wait till I graduate
M. After you graduate then comes college and a job
D. Uuuuhhggg, more school?
M. Well, if you want to be a computer software designer, then yes. If you have decided to be the Indian you wanted to be in kindergarten, then-no.
D. I just hate school, I waste all my time doing homework
M. It isn’t a waste of time if you think about the future. Think about the things you want in life, maybe a house, a car, a family...It takes hard work to get the things you want.
D. Yeah, I guess

*Silence*

D. I know what I want
M. What?
D. One of those FAST 201 yo-yos and some hand sanitizer.
M. ?????????

Now I get the yo-yo thing, but the hand sanitizer, I am not so sure about that.
So, I scratched my head and tried to remember what it was like to be a child.
I just hope he can hold onto his innocence for a while longer (a long while).

Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

You have been a good neighbor over the last year. I appreciate the pride you take in your flowers and making the area look nice.
I realize you are an adult (I think you might even qualify for the Senior discount), but some of the decisions you make amaze me.
I accept the fact that you like to start your day with a hot cup of black coffee and an even hotter hard-core porn film. But PLEASE, for god’s sake, either close your shades or turn your 64 in. plasma T.V away from the window. It makes it very hard for me to get any exercise in the morning. How am I supposed to raise my heart rate walking back and forth in front of your window every morning?

Your neighbor,
Amy

Another hump day

Is it strange to be aroused by the produce section in the grocery store? I know it probably is, but I find it strangely exciting. Now it can’t be just any produce section, not an Albertson’s after the 5 o’clock rush. No, it has to be a nice, neat store, with a dimly lit, aesthetically pleasing vegetable section. The Ralph’s in Camarillo takes the cake. The lights are low, the fruit is beautifully arranged, and ooohhhhh the eggplant!! I love the eggplant! It is royal looking and shiny AND PURPLE!!!!!!!!

*Sitting down and smoothing hair*

I think it must be all the colors and the smell of fresh vegetables and fruit. Or maybe it is the fact that they do such a great job of displaying it all, I don’t know. All I do know is, I went to work today with a banana in my pocket.

Mondays with Devon

Conversation on the way to school this morning:

D: The pope is dead, right?
M: Yes he is.
D: What do you think he is waiting for?
M: What do you mean?
D: Well, the radio said they were taking him to Vegas to “lay and wait”

WTF!!!!!!!

I got this text from my oldest son last night:

Ther is a priest here at dads he sez if u commit suicide but r savd u wont go 2 hell
Ask g-ma if tats tru
do u think it iz

I couldn’t get through to him.
I can’t wait to here the story behind this!
Maybe they are trying to convert my children to Catholicism.

Fridays are great

I had the most spectacular drive to work today!
Because of all the rain we have received over the last couple of months, every flower known to man is blooming. As I drove down Harbor Blvd, I looked out over the sand dunes covered in iceplants in full bloom. Beyond the sand was the ocean, sparkling in the morning sun. The sun was shining on me and I rolled my windows down to feel the ocean breeze. Then I saw them, by the hundreds, coming straight at my windshield… BUTTERFLIES!!!!!
The Painted Ladies are migrating from Mexico to the Pacific Northwest. It was surreal! It made my day! How can your day go wrong when the sun is shining and the butterflies are fluttering?

Boo Hoo Wednesday

It’s not anywhere near “that time of the month” and I have been tearing up over everything.

It started with a phone call from my husband this morning. He told me that he has officially been made a CORE member of the InterWest team. This means after his 3-month grace period he is eligible for benefits, meaning dental and prescription discounts (medical is provided in Canada). This means he is not thinking about coming home anytime soon, if ever! I didn’t even ask, just said congrats! How long am I supposed to wait around for him to get his shit together?

I miss my boys! I don’t really know what to do when they are gone. I can think of places I would like to go but work gets in the way, damn work.

To top it all off, I spilled coffee on my favorite pheasant shirt on the way to work. As I was trying to wash it off, one of the guys from the factory said, “Why do you wear that shirt? It makes you look pregnant.” I looked at him and said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all!” Great comeback, huh? Then holding back the tears I said, “If I were pregnant that would make me the Virgin Mary, only I’m not a virgin and my name isn’t Mary!!” Geez, I was on a roll! What a dork! I stomped to the bathroom and cried.

I feel better now and I know I have to address the issues with my husband. “Shit, or get off the pot” applies to both of us.

Easter with me

Another holiday spent alone.
I am getting use to it.
It was easier before, because I had my husband to spend time with. Now it is just me! I had a busy day, which was good. I went to a church service in the park by my house. It was a great service. I think every service should be outdoors. They had a full praise band playing and the little kids danced in the grass in their Easter outfits. The sun was shining and the palm trees swayed gently in the light breeze. It was wonderful.
After church, I went to a friend’s house for an Easter brunch. We had Mimosas, muffins, boiled eggs, fruit and candy. We colored eggs. The older kids poo-pooed the idea, so we moms did the coloring. We made some beauties and had a blast. They have an 18-month-old daughter and we watched her find eggs and toss them around until they broke open. Of course, she is too young for candy, so the adults all fought over it. We sat on their deck and got our fill of “baby love” (another friend has a 6 wk old baby boy).
Next I headed to a neighbors house for an Easter harbor cruise. We took the dingy out and had some cocktails on the water; we even did a good deed. We towed a stranded boat to its dock. We got home just as the sun was starting to set.
I made my way home after a quick walk on the beach to watch the sun set. It was so incredibly romantic, I even tried to hold my neighbors hand (she wasn’t very thrilled). I put my warm comfy pj’s on and snuggled up on the couch to watch a movie.
It was an enjoyable day. I am also learning to enjoy my own company. I am so darn witty at times, although I must look like a lunatic talking to myself and laughing at my own jokes.

I have been waiting and waiting for this to go on sale!