If he lives to be 16...

it will be a miracle.

I took Nick and a friend to Venice Beach this weekend for his birthday. That's what he asked for, I swear. They are far to cool to be seen with me, so we split up and agreed to meet by the skate park in 4 hrs. I agreed to let them go off on their own only after they promised me they would stay out of the smoke shops (yeah, right mom).
It is kinda boring to walk Venice all alone. They do have great chili cheese fries though. I ordered me a small helping of "heart attack on a plate", and went to sit in the grass and watch the roller skaters/dancers.
4 hours later we meet up. The boys were loaded with beaded curtians, Jimi Hendrix and Bob Marley posters and paintings, a surfboard shaped wall clock and some gross propaganda about commercial meat processing plants.
If you've ever driven PCH you know there is no better drive. Its beautiful! The stretch from Santa Monica to Malibu can get pretty hairy sometimes. The lanes are narrow and there are so many friggin' people. Driving down Linclon Blvd I got a few stares, a honk, and the thumbs up sign. By the time I hit PCH I was getting a little suspicious. As people were passing they were either giving me dirtly looks or smiling at me. Everytime I looked in the rear view mirror, two sets of innocent eyes were looking back at me. We stopped at a red light in Malibu and I whipped around in my seat really fast. Nick was holding a bumper sticker in the window. I grabbed it from him (he was shocked the old lady could move so fast).
It was BRIGHT PINK and it said:
EAT PUSSY, NOT MEAT!!

She said...

"It's like feast or fanom"

I said "Huh?"

She said "You know, all or nothing"

I said "Oh...yeah"
*smacks forehead and shakes head*

Silence

You know that feeling? It's too quiet, no fighting, no talking, no laughing...nothing. They have to be up to something!

Yeah, like sleeping in MY bed.

I climbed into bed later and found a pound of sand. Great!

But aren't they cute?

Oh my!

Who does this remind you of? Go ahead, tell me.

Why, why, why...

do I feel the need to get one of these















and one of these!



Yes, I am the proud owner of BOTH!!

Does my breath smell like gym socks?

Me and my big mouth!! Christmas morning while opening gifts, our conversation turned to purses (my sisters favorite subject). I’m soooo not into accessories of any kind.

Sure, I like shoes and pretty jewelry and I sure can appreciate a nice looking purse, but… really, who has time for all that. So my big mouth just starts talking about how I despise these bags. “I mean who really wants to walk around with LV stamped all over their bag like some symbol. Look how much I paid for my purse!”
Of course I completely over exaggerated my words and walked through the living room with my nose in the air. Funny, funny girl…then I opened the present my sister got me
Yep, a Dooney & Bourke!

Holiday Cheer?

I'm having a very hard time getting into the "holiday spirit".
Because of my situation I will not get any "holiday spirits"!

I asked...

Me: Do these shoes look O.K with these pants?

Nick: Mom, those pants don't really look good with those pants!

Geesh!!

It's Friday...

And all I want to do is go home and take care of these guys!!




I found them in a box at the beach, waiting for the tide to come in. They just started eating by themselves this week and they are sooo funny!! Nick says I need to get a life, what does he know?!

I'm game, are you?

Slap Your Co-Worker Day is coming!!
Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday:

· Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about?

Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?

Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch?

Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?

Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!

There are the rules you must follow:*

You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day!!!

Dumb things come out of my mouth every day!

This afternoon my co-worker was reading me an article online. The article was about a dentist that cut his own finger off in order to win $1.2 million in a lawsuit. That started the oh-so-intelligent discussion about whether or not we would cut off our finger for a million dollars. Some of the guys said “yes” and all of the women said “no”, except for me.
I merely said, “ Given the right circumstances, like a doctor present and the million dollars at my feet, I would probably do it.”
That sent everyone into this stupid discussion about what kind of circumstances would make people do such a thing. One of my co-workers turned to me and said, “What would someone want with your finger anyway?”
My witty and oh-so-intelligent reply: “Probably make soup, you know- finger soup, to go with the hair pie!”

Geez I’m dumb! I really looked dumb because I couldn’t help but laugh at myself.

Yummy!

Brains and eyeballs with dead finger breadsticks and bloody broccoli. It was sooo unappetizing but the boys loved it!

WHY IS IT...

THE MORE WATER I DRINK THE THIRSTIER I GET!?

Potty Mouth

Last Friday I got a new cell phone. I was pretty proud of it. I was so proud that on Monday, I dropped it into the toilet (before I flushed). I said the usual 4-letter bathroom words and tried to shake it dry.
I was pissed, pee was flying and I didn’t give a shit!!
When I got home, Nick decided he was going to try and fix it. I figured it couldn’t hurt, it was already dead. Two days later… it works fine. The camera even works! I was so happy this morning that I did a little dance and sang my happy song, “My pee pee phone works, My pee pee phone works.” After being annoyed by my song and dance, Nick asked, “Why do you keep saying that?” I reminded him that I had dropped it into the toilet. He was quite for a minute and then he said, “It was clean water, right?” “UHH, no”, I replied. He started gagging and wiping his tongue on his shirt. “MOM, I SUCKED THE WATER OUT OF THE PHONE WITH MY MOUTH!!”
Good grief, if I knew he was going to suck the water out, I would have warned him.
Devon and I had a good giggle every time he left the room- sick aren’t we?!

Strange requests

When I got home yesterday Nick asked if I could please get him:

1. A Speedo
2. Goggles
3. Bananas

I just looked at him funny and said “sure”. I’m not sure I want to know-Teenagers!

What every man wants and...

The reason I love craigslist:

DOG WALKER & FEMALE TRAINER (westlake village)

I wonder how many husbands called this poor lady!?

So, I'm the grossest mom alive...

You wanna make something of it!!
Last weekend we got a new kitten. She is very small and like most kittens she has worms. She was de-wormed but apparently (we found out last night) she needs another dose of medicine. She was curled up in my lap, sleeping like a baby, when all of the sudden I felt something cold and wet on my leg. I figured that she had poop on her hind feet. As I was looking, Nick looked over too. He said, “Mom, she has slimy poop coming out of her butt!” Being the drama king that he is, he started yuck, yuck, yucking and hopping around the living room. I picked the kitten up, grabbed a Kleenex, and pulled the worm out. I walked to the bathroom and flushed it down the toilet- problem solved! Nick was completely horrified! He thought I was the grossest human alive. He couldn’t believe I would just pull it off and go on with my evening like… like the cat didn’t just have a worm crawling out its butt! “What? I’ve seen worse.” I told him. “I used to change your diapers and I worked at a nursing home for 3 years.” Yeah, I’ve seen much worse. He totally avoided the poor kitten all night long and kept giving me the evil, grossed-out eye. Its not like I didn’t wash my hands, come on.

Just when you think things can't get worse...

THEY DO!!!
Not only am I completely broke, emotionally over loaded, fat, compulsive, repulsive, and lacking in good decision making skills… I am also a husband-stealing hussy.
If they handed out degrees for being a douche bag I would at least have a Masters.
For some reason this week everything has weighed heavily on me emotionally.
The calm after the storm- HA-things are starting to feel overwhelming.
Tuesday I felt like I might have a nervous breakdown. I felt like one more thing going wrong would send me over the edge. Then IT happened.
I was accused of making moves on/ trying to steal someone else’s husband. This was sooo far fetched that I thought it must be a joke. The husband in question is 76 years old and has Tourettes Syndrome. He is also my boss.
It was not a joke. I was insulted, hurt, and furious.
What brought this about?
Get this: Someone called and asked for “Amy, the bosses wife.” We were all joking about this and then she just went off on me.
I lost it and started crying. I packed up my stuff, cleaned out my desk and left. About half way home I knew I had to go back. I went back the next day and they acted like nothing had happened. She was as friendly as ever, even bought me lunch. She acted like we were best friends. And I thought I was crazy!
This makes work a little uncomfortable for me. I just need a break. Hey, I think I’ll take the next couple of days off.

Gotta Love My sister

My sister is a bit of a nut (I know, the pot calling the kettle black). I don’t mean the certifiable kind of nuts; I just mean crazy, odd, funny. She and her husband just moved to Texas and she sent me an email with pics of her new house. She sent a second email with this picture and NO explanation. Huh? So I sent a response that went something like this:

B, thanks for the picture of you riding your new bike. See I told you, you would remember how. I am glad that you treated yourself to lunch at the Olive Garden, you deserve it after all that unpacking! BTW, you look fabulous since you lost sooo much weight.
Luv, A

I giggled and giggled, (see, I do entertain myself) and waited for her witty reply. Nothing…nope…is this thing working? After about 24 hrs I emailed her again and asked if she was offended. Her reply:

No way! I am just so tired I couldn’t think of a good response. I have to give you this one though, you rule, that was way too funny!
Luv, B

Turns out her husband was taking a picture of the Olive Garden as a joke, and accidently got the lady riding her son's bike.

Embrace this!!

I should learn to embrace my ADD, that’s what they tell me:
Pro-I am great at multi-tasking
Con-Sometimes I have so many things going at once that I short circuit.
Pro- I am extremely passionate about many things
Con-I am easily sidetracked and never follow through.
Pro-I can’t even stay on track long enough to be properly depressed.
Con- Remembering I am depressed after not feeling depressed makes me seem like some hormonal psycho.
Pro- I can entertain an entire cocktail party by myself
Con-I change subjects so often people think I am really drunk
Pro- I can’t properly have any kind of disorder
Con- Well, I guess there is no down side to this one
Pro- I can’t remember to stay mad
Con- It’s confusing for the kids to know they are in trouble, but not what for.

Like they don’t know, they just want to know if “crazy mom” knows. Nick for instance has a mind like a steal trap. He remembers everything I say and because I don’t always remember, he usually wins. It has occurred to me on several occasions that he might be using this to his advantage. Hey, maybe I didn’t actually say those things at all! I have a hard time believing I would say he could go to the Homecoming dance with a senior. Although, I did tell a neighbor that I took a dump at a party once that refused to go down the toilet, and I ended up tossing it out the window using the soap dish. OMG, I was horrified when I found out it went “splat” on a guest’s car! Sometimes things just come out of my mouth before my brain O.K.’s the content. I have likened my mind to a wind tunnel vacuum. You know, all this crap spinning and whirling around, and I just grab what ever I can and…well, say it. My son said the other day, “Why don’t you go do things like you used to?”. I am just fine to stay home and clean or go for a walk by myself. I totally entertain myself. I mean, who could be bored with this many things going round and round and round…heh, have I ever mentioned how sick carnival rides make me? Once my best friend and I took our kids…..