The reason I am no longer allowed to "drink & surf"!!! 

Our SundayLeaving home for Santa Cruz Island 

Heading out to the island 

Anvil rock 

Relaxing 

Homework blues

Devon’s teacher is a tyrant! She gives the kids so much homework it is impossible for us to have a life. Devon requires a lot of help with his homework, which means I don’t get anything done in the evening. It is frustrating for both of us. When he has soccer practice or we have any other engagements, forget it! Last night we did homework until 9:00 p.m. That is ½ hr past his bedtime and ½ hr after my patience had run out. He was tired and whining and not concentrating so I called it a night. That meant he had to get up at 5:15 a.m. to finish his homework.
Yikes, was he a crab!!
His shirt was too small!
His pants were too tight!
His socks made his fingers dry!?
He didn’t want breakfast.

I started calling him “crabby pattie” and I thought it was pretty funny until he called me “big bikini bottom”.

What a grouch!

Man who stands on Toilet

is high on pot. hehehe

Yesterday at work we ordered Chinese food for lunch. My fortune said “Avenues of Good Fortune are Ahead for you”. Normally I get a good chuckle and throw them out. Yesterday I decided that this fortune was for me. I claimed it all day and put it on my calculator. All day, as I added up someone else’s money, I told myself mine was coming…someday. Guess what? It came today!!! Well, part of it
My boss called me into his wife’s office this morning. They were both there and I briefly wondered what I had done. They said that they really appreciated my hard work and my positive attitude. They said they wanted to give me a bonus, an $809.00 bonus.

That’s a nice start!

camping "me" style

I want to go camping
I need a new tent
I want a pink tent
They don’t make pink tents
Good thing
My friends said they would not
Camp with me if I have a pink tent
I guess I will settle for a pink sleeping bag
And pink flamingo corner stakes
Is there a rule against pink at camping sites?

Weekend re-cap

What a weekend! We had Elvis, gorgeous weather, fine food and drinks, live music and…a school bus ride.

Friday- After work I took Nick to a friend’s house in T.O. When I got home I went for a walk on the beach with a friend. We went back to my house for a few drinks, which turned into- a few more! As we socialized, we stumbled upon the Elvis special that was on T.V. Elvis and I have this thing. It started out as a joke, but somehow he has become my mascot- of sorts. We really enjoyed the special, a little too much. So deep was my love for Vodka, um I mean Elvis, that we went online and ordered me a lovely- I (heart) Elvis sweatshirt. This is just what every 34 yr old mother of 2 needs (as if I don’t embarrass my kids enough). In approximately 1 week I will be the proud owner of another drunken online purchase. After my last purchase of this nature, I put a few rules in place for myself. No more Internet searching or phone calls after my 2nd drink. That makes a lot of sense don’t you think? Try and make me follow my own rules! Go ahead and try!!

Saturday- After some aspirin and water I did some cleaning and some laundry. I walked over to pick Devon up at his friend’s house and ended up bringing both boys home with me. I took them swimming and then we rode bikes to the movie store to rent some video games. It was early to bed for all of us.

Sunday- After a good breakfast we took a walk to the Harbor to catch a shuttle to the Strawberry Festival. The shuttle ended up being a school bus. It was kind of fun, but boy are the seats small. The festival was very busy. We had strawberry slushies, strawberry beer, strawberry nachos, chocolate covered strawberries, and some yummy beer battered garlic fries. We listened to a little music, bought some worthless trinkets and played a few games. We had to waddle back to the shuttle for our bus ride home. We spent the rest of the afternoon doing our own things. Nick went surfing, Devon played video games and I caught up on some reading. We met again for dinner, showers and my personal favorite…bedtime!

It was a fun weekend, not to busy, but busy enough.

A little bit ADD

I have a thing about pop-up sprinklers. You know, the kind that… well, pop-up, spray and then go back down?
That reminds me of Devon’s Human Development class.
I can’t walk by one that hasn’t fully made its retreat into the ground. I have to stop and tap it with my foot. It makes this weird ppththttt sound and down it goes.
Oh dear, that reminds me of my wedding night. As soon as I tapped that thing, down it went. And I think my husband made a similar sound. Memories. Not really good ones.
Anyway, this preoccupation with sprinklers often irritates my walking partners.
Partners-That makes it sound like I am some sort of exercise slut.
It doesn’t matter what side of the sidewalk the sprinkler is on, or even if it is near the sidewalk. I have to dart over and tap it -ppththttt- ahhh. I don’t really understand why Mrs. Licking Lips gets so upset, she really shouldn’t be telling me her life story. This is exercise time, not social hour. Social hour comes after the walk.
That reminds me- I am out of Vodka and grapefruit juice. Geesh that girl sure can drink. I think I still have some limes.
OK, I decided on my walk this morning that I need to try and concentrate on staying focused. I feel like the poster girl for ADD.
My poor son takes after me. The very thing that irritates me about him is the one thing I can’t seem to control myself. It just makes me so mad when I am talking about something important and he changes the subject. We were talking just yesterday about se,x and I finished with “Do you understand what I am saying?” He said, “Yeah, do you remember that D is having his party this weekend?” I was like “WHAT? ARE YOU LISTENING TO ANYTHING I AM SAYING!?”
Good grief, as I was saying: I decided that I should try and walk the rest of the way back to my house and not tap a single sprinkler. It was very hard. I practically had to walk with my head turned skyward. I actually had a slightly panicked, anxious feeling.
Come to think of it, I had the same feeling when I tried to walk by the pet store without going in.
Focus lady!! I made it all the way home without tapping a sprinkler. I think this is sort of like therapy for me. I have never been very good at exercising self-control. We’ll see how long I can actually stay on the straight and narrow, sidewalk that is.
The guys delivering the morning paper may be disappointed when I am not doing my usual side-to-side sidewalk dance. Get use to it buddies, your looking at a new woman!!

Yes, she did, she really said it!

Today our receptionist came running into our office after her afternoon trip to the bathroom. She said:

“You’re not going to believe what I just did! I was trying to hurry up and I stood up and wiped at the same time, you know, to save time. I flicked pee down my leg and I didn’t know it. I pulled up my pants really fast and then it was too late, I felt something wet. Look, I got pee on my pants!”

Nope, I am not joking. This is a 34 year old woman, and she is NOT blonde.

Mothers Day Breakfast

My boys brought me breakfast in bed on Mother's Day. It was beautiful and BIG. I could hear them banging around in the kitchen and all kinds of thoughts were going through my head. They had purchased a magazine for me the night before and Devon used it to bribe me into not getting out of bed. When they brought the tray into me I nearly burst...with pride...with love...with laughter.
They had made me: 2 waffles (with syurp in a shot glass), 3 hard boiled eggs, 4 sausage patties, 2 pieces of toast and fruit slices, arranged around the edge of the plates (yes, two plates). Oh, yeah, don't forget the coffee and large glass of orange juice. They made me a beautiful card and they even cleaned up the mess. I was very proud!
After I rolled out of bed and into the shower, we went to church and then for lunch on the beach. Great day- And the best breakfast ever :)

Stinko de Mayo

It’s official! My days of wacky dinners, dressing up, and talking the boys into funny photos are over. At least for Nick. Last night he refused to wear the sombrero and march around the restaurant with the Mariachi band. I tried everything to get him to participate.

M: Come on, it’s Cinco de Mayo!
N: We are not Mexican!
M: Geez, can’t you just share their joy?
N: No more margaritas mom!
M: Yes dear. (but for the record, I didn’t have a margarita)
M: I'll give you $5 if you get up there.
N: No way, you’ll take a picture.
M: I promise I won’t *fingers crossed*
N: No mom, no, no, no! And I’m not going to change my mind.
M: Do you want to walk home?
N: Sure, it’s not that far.
M: Oh, OK, I guess Devon and I will have to march without you.
N: *Triumphant grin*

I had a dream...

that I went out on the town in an outfit that I use to wear 25 lbs ago. I was very pleased with the fact that I could still fit into it even though I have gained so much weight. I didn’t bother to look in the mirror until I arrived at the restaurant where I was meeting a WHOLE BUNCH of friends. As I walked through the front door I saw myself in the full-length mirror behind the front desk.
My skirt was way to tight, causing a big fat roll to hang over. It looked like I had two sets of boobs. My shirt was skintight and a few inches to short. I looked like a sausage. Of course I didn’t wear a coat, so I couldn’t hide what I didn’t want to be seen. I was horrified and as I looked down I caught sight of my black nylons. They had a huge rip that went all the way down my leg. The rip exposed my very hairy (man hairy) legs. I wanted to leave but many of my friends had already spotted me. As I riffled through my purse looking for my cell phone, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to face the pastor of my church. I started to try and explain what the heck I was doing in public looking like I did and… I woke up.
The first thing I did was check my legs for hair.

Here kitty kitty

Walk, walk, WALK… don’t look, DON’T EVEN LOOK!!!!!

I ducked into a little Mexican bakery, trying to divert my attention. Out of the corner of my eye I could see it… big, yellow, SCREAMING MY NAME!
It was the sign in the Pet Store window; broadcasting the 3 words that will always be my demise.

WE HAVE KITTENS!!!

I can’t control myself.
I am addicted to pussy!
I love cats and I can’t have them where I am currently living. The only way I will survive this season is to stay completely away from all pet stores. I mean COMPLETELY! Not even a sideway glance.
If you are driving through Ventura County and you happen to see a crazy blonde in a silver Saturn, driving with her hands over her eyes through a PETSMART parking lot…yep, that would be me.

Splat

If I were a bird:

I would shit on your car
Fly far, far away.

If you need me:

I will be at the beach
Drinking Greyhounds
Watching my boys play