Long trip home 

Funny face McCabe 

Working hard, last week! 

"It doesn't get any better than this"? I"M SCREWED

So it doesn't get any better than this?! I might as well end it all now. Here I sit, alone, well not really alone, two kids, two cats, 10 fish and a pile of dishes. I feel alone.
My co-worker drove me crazy today! It could be PMS but I'm not taking the easy way out, I just need to put her out of my misery. I have had my period for, oh, almost 3 weeks now. I may snap at anytime! It is the end of the month and I had so much to do. She talked non-stop all day and is worse than a 2 year old(no offense to the little ones). "Look Amy, look at what I am ordering". "Oh Jose, you are so funny, isn't he funny Amy?" "HaHaHa, this customer is so funny, look what he sent me Amy". I wanted to scream "Don't you have some vacation time to use? Get lost!" In spite of co-demon, I did get my work done.
My car is running horrible. It is jerking and running really rough. I don't think the new battery helped! I was going to leave it running, and pray someone would take it, but the piece of crap would probably overheat and die. I need a new car but since my husbands heart attack and too many bills, my credit is bbaaaddd. I had spotless credit 4 yrs ago and now, I can't even apply for food stamps (I think I stole that line).
On top of everything else it is Christmas and I have to buy plane tickets for my boys to fly to their fathers house. I don't know what happened, it was his year to pay for Christmas but somehow he always seems to turn it around.
I am sick, in the head I think. I have diagnosed myself as having "Obsessive, Impulsive, Bad Decisionitis with a secondary case of bleeding to muchoso" If I were a horse, they would have shot me by now.
O.K, I feel much better now. Slap, Slap, Slap,I have plenty to be thankful for. I do love my family, my job, my neighbors. I have a place to live and food to eat. I really hate it when people whine, I should slap myself again!
I'm going to bed early so I can rise with a shine and face the world with a smile. Something like that.

Hold on to your panties!!!!!!!

The car is not big, but I love to holler this phrase at the top of my lungs, usually as a fly around a corner way to fast. The boys just moan and respond with their usually protests, "We don't wear panties"! I will probably continue doing this until I have grandkids, it tickles me pink.

I was a hostage, forced to watch bad T.V

Thanksgiving turned out o.k. I was pretty upset about the car but, what can you do? We couldn't go anywhere so we were forced to relax. My husband is visiting from Canada (long story) so we just enjoyed our day. We took a long walk on the beach and made a very yummy, not quite traditional, dinner. I watched a sappy movie on Lifetime and loved it! Man, that lady had a rotten life, much worse than mine. Kinda sad that someone elses misfortune makes me feel better. I know, I know, they are not real people, they are not real! Still, I had lots of things to be thankful for after watching it. At least I have all my limbs and my husband is not poisoning my fiber drink.
My kids came home on Saturday and I am thankful for that! I am thankful that I have my car back and I won't be held hostage and forced to watch overly dramatic crap (unless I want to).

SHIT, CRAP, DAMN!!!

It's 10:15 p.m., do you know where your car is? I do- at the 76 station in Camarillo. The piece of f***ing crap wouldn't start after we got gas. It was running fine, we stopped to fuel up and... Happy Thanksgiving! If being away from my kids during the holiday isn't bad enough, now I have no car!
Why, Why, Why! Why didn't it break down on a Monday, when I would rather be home baking. I have 4 days off and no transportation!!!
It must be karma. I shouldn't have flirted with my friends guy in 1987. Oh Bertha Flat Butt, I am sorry.
Well, I am bummed. It won't do any good to dwell on it. I need to come up with money to fix it. Time to turn to the "worlds oldest profession"... begging your parents.
Seriously, I can afford to have it fixed, just can't fix the car and pay the rent!
I hope you all have a Happy Thanksgiving!
If you see a crazy lady riding her bike with a 12 pack and a turkey in the basket on her bike, don't honk, I will crash!

Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, you turkeys!

My boys are gone to visit their father for the holiday. This is depressing! I am going to head North to the Chumash Casino to see if I can get lucky (slots). Wish me luck!
Have a great Turkey Time!

What makes an itch feminine?

Is it the way you scratch it, elegantly, with your pinky out?

What's the stink about poop?

OK, so it's not a very lady-like topic, and not really acceptable conversation for dinner at the Pacific Corinthian Yacht Club, I just can't control myself. Things start to feel stuffy (even though we are outside by the water), and I begin blurting out some fine poop trivia. I have a full notebook of personal poop stories to recount. Ms. Red Pants laughs her head off and hugs me. Mr. Bulge in my Tight Shorts just sits there looking from person to person. The people who know me well think it is amusing, although horrifyingly inappropriate. My very favorite, Ms. Licking Lips joins in, adding her own tale of "Virgin Mary Crap". Her husband, Mr. Moving Teeth excuses himself to get another drink, I hope he comes back. One more round of drinks and they start requesting their favorite "party poop" story. Then comes the "Post Office skit" (I have to physically act it out).
Soon people are staring. I guess at "the club" you should exercise some self-control. We call it a night. Ms. Licking Lips and I walk home together and sing songs about body hair. Mr. Moving Teeth has left without us. This is not uncommon, he is not fond of "poop talk". I assure Ms. Licking Lips that he is at home waiting to give her a "Hot Carl". We laugh like crazy, neither of us really knows what that is but we think it involves poop.
I am not sure what makes poop such a taboo subject, I'd like to make it acceptable. Since the "Hampsters are Human Too" group is no longer accepting voluteers, this is my new cause. "Live, laugh, excrete".

Is it illegal to commit murder... in your mind?

I would like to kill her! I have visions of wrapping my hands around her throat and squeezing!
Have you ever had a day where someone irritates the piss out of you? It turns everything negative! My pink aura must be pitch black!
It usually takes a lot to make me mad. I find it a total waste of energy to be soo negative but... AAAARRRRGGGG!!!! She goes on and on and on about everyone elses short comings, and counts the minutes (seconds too) they go over their break time. She gets into their business and then complains about how they handle it. WHO ASKED HER!!!! She talks like her point of view, political or business, is the gospel. She won't except or even consider any other point of view.
She is wearing me out. She is going to force me to do something I may regret...maybe not!
I am going to look online to see if I can at least beat her up and still keep my job. That makes it pre-meditated right? Maybe PMS?!

Always happy

When the boys were little and our money was even smaller, we used to take tours of the manufactured home sales lots. We would pretend we were interested in buying a new home and tour all of the display models. I am sure the sales people could tell we were just looking for cheap entertainment. They would leave us to wander the models and go off to chase the "real sales". When we entered the front door of the model we could tell right away if we were going to "live there" or not. We would pick out our bedrooms, arrange our imaginary furniture, lay in the bathtubs and decide what color towels we would put in the bathrooms. It really was fun.
Now that they are older we do a more mature version of the same. We ride our bikes by the million dollar beach houses in Mandalay Bay and pick out which ones we would buy, if we could. We have even started saving our change in a piggy bank, our "house fund". We love to chat about the different houses as we ride by (I'm sure some of the homeowners get a kick out of this).
While riding bikes and picking out favorite houses this week, Devon was asked which one he wanted. His sweet reply: "I'm happy with what I have, we should be happy with what we have because some day we may not have anything!"

Ohhh.....I wish I were an

Oscar Mayer weiner, that is what I'd really like to be,
Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer weiner,
Everyone would be in love with me!
Ever have one of those days? I am. I can't concentrate, focus or seem to control my diarrhea mouth. I blurted out the Oscar Mayer weiner song to my co-worker this morning. She asked me if I was on drugs. Maybe I should be!

My bologna has a first name...

Virginia Is For Lovers?

OMG! Our receptionist at work is so, so blonde! I have a bell on my desk that says "Virginia is for Lovers". It was given to me by an older gentleman that works in the factory (he vacationed in Virginia). She looked at it for about 3o seconds, rang it lightly and then looked at me with her blank stare and said "Who is Virginia?".

Today, I wear a crown

I am Queen for a day, maybe more.
As I walk the factory people point and smile. I can hear them talking in their offices as I pass. I even receive a few cat calls. They are calling me Queenie instead of Pinky. I have saved them all from the wrath of "the boss".
I will hold my head high, crown slightly off center. I AM THE QUEEN! So what if the title reads "Queen Kiss Ass". At least I have a title!

(Do they realize I hold the key to their next paycheck?!)

Ladies,You can grow balls!

O.K., I am the last one to grow them, but I am a late bloomer.
I have lived most of my life doing what I thought other people wanted me to do. Over the last 4 years I have opened up, started thinking more for myself. Up until a few years ago, I considered what I was taught as a child to be the truth. I didn't question it.
It is time for us, you know who you are, to raise our heads high, grab our balls (even if they're borrowed),and take a stand. We have to ask questions, make them think about their answers and wonder if they made the right choice.

You know you move me, poop girl! Long float elvis with corn for eyes!

What a GLORIOUS day!

It's days like this that make you think "What if I have to go poop and we are in a boat in the middle of the Harbor"? Oh Gosh, seriously, days like this make me think that someone above is smilling down at me. God must love California.
We walked along the beach and took my mom to breakfast at Mrs. Olsens, the cutest little beach house turned into a great coffee shop. It is filled with locals and the walls are covered with "beach crossing" signs and some pictures of locals surfing (or waiting to surf). When you leave, if you are happy with your service, you ring a big cowbell. The boys love this part, even if we had a crabby waitress (never happens), they would ring the bell.
Next we headed back home to change into shorts and... off to the beach. We drove the convertible my mom rented down to the beach for more silly pictures. We took pictures of the boys poll vaulting using bamboo, boys buried in sand, and me being knocked over by a wave (picture will not be posted:). My mom loves silly pictures as well. She posed by "her car" and did the "go granny go" dance. The boys thought this was funny and even Nick forgot that he should be embarrassed.
After gassing up the car (highway robbery), we took off for the Harbor. We rented a boat and cruised up and down the channels. There is nothing better than this, at this point God is really happy with us (must be my moms doing). The weather was perfect, the water was flat and the company was excellent (we missed you Jim).
After a day on the ocean we decided to finish off with a light dinner on the water. We headed to the Whale's Tale for some yummy chowder and a gorgeous view. We shared some appetizers, a beer and some soda. We watched the fish jump and the birds dive. The sailboats were making their way back to their slips and they were beautiful.
What a glorious day! It couldn't have been any better. Now, if we can just get to bed without seeing the news, I will stick with my statement that God loves California.

Driving Miss. Crazy 

Mom in the harbor 

Did I mention my Mom is visiting?

We are all having fun, taking crazy pictures at the beach, riding in the convertible with the top down, laughing about old times and new. It is wonderful to have my mom here. She is a nut! She falls down (and not gracefully), spits her food when she laughs and generally takes after her oldest daughter.

At the park next to my house 

An hour and a half with ADD me

For my birthday the crew at work gave me a facial. This is not just any facial, but a facial with the infamous "Rita". They have been telling me about her for at least 6 months.
Now, although I am a "girlie girl" I don't really go for "foo foo". I don't have time for lying around being rubbed with lotions. I would much rather spend my free time at the beach with the kids or curled up with a good book and a cold beer.
Rita is a delight. She informs me that I am in for "a treat". It is an hour and a half long treat!! What the heck!! I can't lay still for an hour and a half, unless I am asleep.
She began by rubbing my hands with a thick lotion and wrapping them in Saran wrap. She then placed them in warmers. I LIKED THIS!! The rest of my adventure went something like this:

Wow, this feels good, smells good too. Rita has soft hands and a light touch. I hope she is careful around my, ohhhh she is. I don't want more crows feet. I wonder if facials make more wrinkles, all this rubbing. Rita has wrinkles, I wonder how old she is. If she takes such good care of her skin...wrinkles, maybe I should tell her to stop. That is cool, must be cucumbers on my eyes. Are they fresh? Hey, where is she going, she is leaving me in here. Nice music, sounds like nature. The back of my head hurts, probably from laying in one position for too long. This gum tastes like stinky shoes, like poop. Jim has his rectal exam tomorrow, I bet the doctor has poop breath, hahaha. Oops, I shouldn't laugh, Rita is going to think I am crazy. How long do I have to lay here. I want to peek, what if I move the cucumbers and she is standing there? I will feel dumb. Okay, I am done. Relax, relax, the girls at work say they go to sleep sometimes. How can you sleep with all these crickets chirping. I hope my mom and the boys found Target. I should get up and get my phone, what if they got lost. Oh, Rita is back. That is warm, nice, soft. Okay, I think I can hang in here for a while. Wow, how many fingers does she have. Feels like 20 fingers fluttering across my face. What if she uses a prosthetic hand? That is creepy. She is extracting now, a fancy name for poping pimples. Thankfully I don't have many. She would have loved me a couple of weeks ago. Boy I am never going back to that salon again. The girl sure was nice though. I just realized I have to take my family to IN-N-OUT for dinner and Rita just washed off all my makeup. Oh well, I don't know anyone here. What if my hair is sticking up? We should have eaten before the facial. I need to make time to go up to the college and register for classes. I sure hate homework. I should jog tomorrow morning. I wonder if it will make my face saggy? I hope it doesn't make my boobs sag anymore. I should save up for plastic sugery. Well, I should get a new car first....40 minutes later...

I AM DONE!! Rita has wonderful hands. I just can't stand laying around for 90 minutes. There is plenty of time for that when I am dead!

My guys

Sleeping sweetly
Laughing loudly
Fighting fiercely

Needy
Independent
Curious
Knowledgeable

Delightful
Effortless
Victorious
Optimistic
Nascent

Joy, pain, love, frustration, amusing, fulfilling-
WORTH EVERY MINUTE

Sums it up 

We had veggies, promise! 

Political, Edible 

Making it fun

When my boys were little, I used to have "special parties". In the middle of the winter, we would spread out blankets in the living room, blow up the beach balls, put on some Beach Boys tunes, get our bathing suits on and have a "Beach Party". We would eat picnic dinners on the floor and dance around. It was soooo much fun.

Now that they are growing up they are not so excited to participate in my "special parties". Well, I can't really blame them. Some of our "parties" involve cleaning their room (I do supply the pizza and pop).

Today I discovered at work that it was "Day of the Dead" in Mexico. On Election Day!! Kinda ironic since our future depends on this election.

I decided it would not be a very exciting night for us, watching the returns all night. Why not make it a party? I decided we would have Mexican food with a political theme. We had George Bush Burritos and John Kerry Quesadillas. It was fun. Nick thinks I am a little dorky but doesnt really care as long as it involves food. Devon on the other hand, he found it amusing.

I can see my future, birthday parties for the cats, "special parties" where I am the only guest that shows, my family hiding outside the front door, making sure I am not wearing a party hat while making dinner.

Am I the only one who sees it?

I don't understand how people can not see it! It is clearly Brendan Fraser's face I see in the tile on the bathroom floor. As I sit on the toilet (mostly wasting the last 5 minutes of my day)and relax my eyes, I can see him very clearly. He has the shaggy hairstyle he wore in Encino Man. I mention this to the receptionist who stares at me blankly. Yeah, like she hasn't noticed before! I ask several co-workers to follow me into the restroom. All 3 of us cram into the stall. I instruct them to let their eyes relax and "stare at this square"
They LAUGH!!
They think I am a nut.
They leave me standing there staring at the tile. I realize I am a little nutty, it really looks more like Shaggy from Scooby-Do.