Relaxing 

Homework blues

Devon’s teacher is a tyrant! She gives the kids so much homework it is impossible for us to have a life. Devon requires a lot of help with his homework, which means I don’t get anything done in the evening. It is frustrating for both of us. When he has soccer practice or we have any other engagements, forget it! Last night we did homework until 9:00 p.m. That is ½ hr past his bedtime and ½ hr after my patience had run out. He was tired and whining and not concentrating so I called it a night. That meant he had to get up at 5:15 a.m. to finish his homework.
Yikes, was he a crab!!
His shirt was too small!
His pants were too tight!
His socks made his fingers dry!?
He didn’t want breakfast.

I started calling him “crabby pattie” and I thought it was pretty funny until he called me “big bikini bottom”.

What a grouch!

Man who stands on Toilet

is high on pot. hehehe

Yesterday at work we ordered Chinese food for lunch. My fortune said “Avenues of Good Fortune are Ahead for you”. Normally I get a good chuckle and throw them out. Yesterday I decided that this fortune was for me. I claimed it all day and put it on my calculator. All day, as I added up someone else’s money, I told myself mine was coming…someday. Guess what? It came today!!! Well, part of it
My boss called me into his wife’s office this morning. They were both there and I briefly wondered what I had done. They said that they really appreciated my hard work and my positive attitude. They said they wanted to give me a bonus, an $809.00 bonus.

That’s a nice start!

camping "me" style

I want to go camping
I need a new tent
I want a pink tent
They don’t make pink tents
Good thing
My friends said they would not
Camp with me if I have a pink tent
I guess I will settle for a pink sleeping bag
And pink flamingo corner stakes
Is there a rule against pink at camping sites?

Weekend re-cap

What a weekend! We had Elvis, gorgeous weather, fine food and drinks, live music and…a school bus ride.

Friday- After work I took Nick to a friend’s house in T.O. When I got home I went for a walk on the beach with a friend. We went back to my house for a few drinks, which turned into- a few more! As we socialized, we stumbled upon the Elvis special that was on T.V. Elvis and I have this thing. It started out as a joke, but somehow he has become my mascot- of sorts. We really enjoyed the special, a little too much. So deep was my love for Vodka, um I mean Elvis, that we went online and ordered me a lovely- I (heart) Elvis sweatshirt. This is just what every 34 yr old mother of 2 needs (as if I don’t embarrass my kids enough). In approximately 1 week I will be the proud owner of another drunken online purchase. After my last purchase of this nature, I put a few rules in place for myself. No more Internet searching or phone calls after my 2nd drink. That makes a lot of sense don’t you think? Try and make me follow my own rules! Go ahead and try!!

Saturday- After some aspirin and water I did some cleaning and some laundry. I walked over to pick Devon up at his friend’s house and ended up bringing both boys home with me. I took them swimming and then we rode bikes to the movie store to rent some video games. It was early to bed for all of us.

Sunday- After a good breakfast we took a walk to the Harbor to catch a shuttle to the Strawberry Festival. The shuttle ended up being a school bus. It was kind of fun, but boy are the seats small. The festival was very busy. We had strawberry slushies, strawberry beer, strawberry nachos, chocolate covered strawberries, and some yummy beer battered garlic fries. We listened to a little music, bought some worthless trinkets and played a few games. We had to waddle back to the shuttle for our bus ride home. We spent the rest of the afternoon doing our own things. Nick went surfing, Devon played video games and I caught up on some reading. We met again for dinner, showers and my personal favorite…bedtime!

It was a fun weekend, not to busy, but busy enough.

A little bit ADD

I have a thing about pop-up sprinklers. You know, the kind that… well, pop-up, spray and then go back down?
That reminds me of Devon’s Human Development class.
I can’t walk by one that hasn’t fully made its retreat into the ground. I have to stop and tap it with my foot. It makes this weird ppththttt sound and down it goes.
Oh dear, that reminds me of my wedding night. As soon as I tapped that thing, down it went. And I think my husband made a similar sound. Memories. Not really good ones.
Anyway, this preoccupation with sprinklers often irritates my walking partners.
Partners-That makes it sound like I am some sort of exercise slut.
It doesn’t matter what side of the sidewalk the sprinkler is on, or even if it is near the sidewalk. I have to dart over and tap it -ppththttt- ahhh. I don’t really understand why Mrs. Licking Lips gets so upset, she really shouldn’t be telling me her life story. This is exercise time, not social hour. Social hour comes after the walk.
That reminds me- I am out of Vodka and grapefruit juice. Geesh that girl sure can drink. I think I still have some limes.
OK, I decided on my walk this morning that I need to try and concentrate on staying focused. I feel like the poster girl for ADD.
My poor son takes after me. The very thing that irritates me about him is the one thing I can’t seem to control myself. It just makes me so mad when I am talking about something important and he changes the subject. We were talking just yesterday about se,x and I finished with “Do you understand what I am saying?” He said, “Yeah, do you remember that D is having his party this weekend?” I was like “WHAT? ARE YOU LISTENING TO ANYTHING I AM SAYING!?”
Good grief, as I was saying: I decided that I should try and walk the rest of the way back to my house and not tap a single sprinkler. It was very hard. I practically had to walk with my head turned skyward. I actually had a slightly panicked, anxious feeling.
Come to think of it, I had the same feeling when I tried to walk by the pet store without going in.
Focus lady!! I made it all the way home without tapping a sprinkler. I think this is sort of like therapy for me. I have never been very good at exercising self-control. We’ll see how long I can actually stay on the straight and narrow, sidewalk that is.
The guys delivering the morning paper may be disappointed when I am not doing my usual side-to-side sidewalk dance. Get use to it buddies, your looking at a new woman!!

Yes, she did, she really said it!

Today our receptionist came running into our office after her afternoon trip to the bathroom. She said:

“You’re not going to believe what I just did! I was trying to hurry up and I stood up and wiped at the same time, you know, to save time. I flicked pee down my leg and I didn’t know it. I pulled up my pants really fast and then it was too late, I felt something wet. Look, I got pee on my pants!”

Nope, I am not joking. This is a 34 year old woman, and she is NOT blonde.

Mothers Day Breakfast

My boys brought me breakfast in bed on Mother's Day. It was beautiful and BIG. I could hear them banging around in the kitchen and all kinds of thoughts were going through my head. They had purchased a magazine for me the night before and Devon used it to bribe me into not getting out of bed. When they brought the tray into me I nearly burst...with pride...with love...with laughter.
They had made me: 2 waffles (with syurp in a shot glass), 3 hard boiled eggs, 4 sausage patties, 2 pieces of toast and fruit slices, arranged around the edge of the plates (yes, two plates). Oh, yeah, don't forget the coffee and large glass of orange juice. They made me a beautiful card and they even cleaned up the mess. I was very proud!
After I rolled out of bed and into the shower, we went to church and then for lunch on the beach. Great day- And the best breakfast ever :)

Stinko de Mayo

It’s official! My days of wacky dinners, dressing up, and talking the boys into funny photos are over. At least for Nick. Last night he refused to wear the sombrero and march around the restaurant with the Mariachi band. I tried everything to get him to participate.

M: Come on, it’s Cinco de Mayo!
N: We are not Mexican!
M: Geez, can’t you just share their joy?
N: No more margaritas mom!
M: Yes dear. (but for the record, I didn’t have a margarita)
M: I'll give you $5 if you get up there.
N: No way, you’ll take a picture.
M: I promise I won’t *fingers crossed*
N: No mom, no, no, no! And I’m not going to change my mind.
M: Do you want to walk home?
N: Sure, it’s not that far.
M: Oh, OK, I guess Devon and I will have to march without you.
N: *Triumphant grin*

I had a dream...

that I went out on the town in an outfit that I use to wear 25 lbs ago. I was very pleased with the fact that I could still fit into it even though I have gained so much weight. I didn’t bother to look in the mirror until I arrived at the restaurant where I was meeting a WHOLE BUNCH of friends. As I walked through the front door I saw myself in the full-length mirror behind the front desk.
My skirt was way to tight, causing a big fat roll to hang over. It looked like I had two sets of boobs. My shirt was skintight and a few inches to short. I looked like a sausage. Of course I didn’t wear a coat, so I couldn’t hide what I didn’t want to be seen. I was horrified and as I looked down I caught sight of my black nylons. They had a huge rip that went all the way down my leg. The rip exposed my very hairy (man hairy) legs. I wanted to leave but many of my friends had already spotted me. As I riffled through my purse looking for my cell phone, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to face the pastor of my church. I started to try and explain what the heck I was doing in public looking like I did and… I woke up.
The first thing I did was check my legs for hair.

Here kitty kitty

Walk, walk, WALK… don’t look, DON’T EVEN LOOK!!!!!

I ducked into a little Mexican bakery, trying to divert my attention. Out of the corner of my eye I could see it… big, yellow, SCREAMING MY NAME!
It was the sign in the Pet Store window; broadcasting the 3 words that will always be my demise.

WE HAVE KITTENS!!!

I can’t control myself.
I am addicted to pussy!
I love cats and I can’t have them where I am currently living. The only way I will survive this season is to stay completely away from all pet stores. I mean COMPLETELY! Not even a sideway glance.
If you are driving through Ventura County and you happen to see a crazy blonde in a silver Saturn, driving with her hands over her eyes through a PETSMART parking lot…yep, that would be me.

Splat

If I were a bird:

I would shit on your car
Fly far, far away.

If you need me:

I will be at the beach
Drinking Greyhounds
Watching my boys play

Memories- I found this picture while I was going through a box in the closet. It was taken 9 yrs ago but it seems like yesterday. 

What happened to "hello"

Last night as we are cleaning up after dinner, Nick’s cell phone starts ringing. He answers it: “Hey Dyke”. I stand there with my mouth open as he has a very friendly conversation with his friend.
After he said his goodbyes he says to me:

N: What?
M: WHO WAS THAT?
N: Daniel
M: Why did you call him a Dyke?
N: We just play around like that
M: Do you know what a Dyke is?
N: Yeah, one of those people who have both sex organs.
M: Ummm, no, that is a hermaphrodite. A Dyke is a slang term for a lesbian.
N: Oh my gosh, wait till I tell Daniel I just called him a lesbian! He is going to freak!

Maybe it is time for a refresher course of “Phone Etiquette 101”.

WHOA NELLY

Mornings with Devon are never boring. He has a way with telling stories. It is like an adventure every time. Besides the fact that he has a speech impediment (sometimes he sounds Japanese), he also likes to “fill in the blanks” when he doesn’t have all the facts.
This morning’s conversation was about the lunch lady, who drives a Hummer.

D: There is the lunch ladies Hummer
M: Did she get a new car?
D: I don’t know this is a new lunch lady
M: What happened to the other lunch lady? Didn’t she drive a Hummer too?
D: Yes, she had the really big Hummer, that’s because she has been doing her job for 23 years. She started doing it when she just got out of school or college.
M: Did she get a new job?
D: I think she is just going to let her husband work for a while and rest. Or maybe she went to a retirement home or back to college.
M: Well goodness, how old is she?
D: Like 54 or 78, something pretty old.
M: Trying not to giggle
D: Hey, there is Joseph! Oh yeah, today is our Health and Human Development class, we are going to learn about –you know what!? “Hey Joe... gotta go, love you mom…japanesejdkdlsjoejoeflllluumommbyee.

I can’t wait to hear his take on “Sex education”!

Hmmmmmmm

At 4:30 this morning (yes, I get up at that ungodly hour), I heard Devon talking in his sleep. When I went into his room he was saying, “Pinocchio, I am the Blue Fairy” and laughing softly. I just giggled, but I wonder what the heck he was dreaming about!

Excuse me

After that last post I feel much better. It is very stressful working with Mrs. Boss. She only knows how to do one thing. That leaves me to do the other 20, while still accomplishing all my daily tasks. I am frazzled, worn out and drained (get it, I’m beat).

I actually tried to run a credit card payment through the fax machine. It was denied!

TGIF TGIF TGIF TGIF!!!!!!!1

Hummph

Weekend was messy
Monday was…Monday
Co-worker gone
Working with Mrs. Boss
Doing all the work
GOING CRAZY!!!!!!

The royal family

Family jewels, they need some, set in nice big tiaras. My ex and his family are such drama queens. Newest drama, in short form:

Ex talked to Nick online the other night and accused him of having a website with links to “kiddie porn” and drugs (he said the girls were around 5-10 yrs old). Nick was freaked out, denied the accusations and asked where he found this website. His dad said that he had hacked into the site and deleted it. He told Nick he was going to end up in “juvie” and he better get his shit together. He threatened to send uncle S down to straighten him out. He then told Nick that his house is wired with cameras that record what he says and does while he is visiting them. More freakishness occurs and Nick is reduced to tears. He pleads his innocence and his dad logs out and has not spoken to him in a week.

Last night at about 8:30 I get a call from uncle S. He is coming down (no, he didn’t ask, he told me) to spend some time with the boys. He said he would like to spend the night. I didn’t know what to say, so…he is on his way. He will be at my house at 1:00 today.

Now a couple of things really bug me about this situation:

*The ex and I are the adults and parents, why didn’t he call me and ask me if I was aware of Nick’s Internet site. I am on his computer daily, I check everywhere he has been and I archive all of his chats. He knows this. I have not found anything other than inappropriate language.

*I also know that Nick is not into “little girls”, he is more of a Pamela Anderson boy. I also talk to Nick about any concerns I have. His dad can’t seem to pick up the phone, everything is done online.

*He accuses his son of doing awful things and then logs out, leaving Nick feeling awful and confused.

*Uncle S will be at my house when I am not home. He is also my ex’s brother and going to be sleeping on my couch. I know he is coming to check things out and that makes me mad.

This is such a weird situation. I wonder how long it is going to take them to get over the drama and just try to be good parents? They seem to be so hell bent on finding something wrong that they are destroying their relationship with their kids.

Oh, I just don’t have the energy for this!
I hope the maid remembers to roll out the red carpet.

When I grow up...

On our drives to school in the morning, Devon and I get some time to talk about things, you know, important things. We usually talk about his favorite video game or the things he wants to do with his Legos. This morning we talked about the future. Well, I talked about the future-future and he talked about the immediate future.

D. I wish I was out of school; I can’t wait till I graduate
M. After you graduate then comes college and a job
D. Uuuuhhggg, more school?
M. Well, if you want to be a computer software designer, then yes. If you have decided to be the Indian you wanted to be in kindergarten, then-no.
D. I just hate school, I waste all my time doing homework
M. It isn’t a waste of time if you think about the future. Think about the things you want in life, maybe a house, a car, a family...It takes hard work to get the things you want.
D. Yeah, I guess

*Silence*

D. I know what I want
M. What?
D. One of those FAST 201 yo-yos and some hand sanitizer.
M. ?????????

Now I get the yo-yo thing, but the hand sanitizer, I am not so sure about that.
So, I scratched my head and tried to remember what it was like to be a child.
I just hope he can hold onto his innocence for a while longer (a long while).

Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

You have been a good neighbor over the last year. I appreciate the pride you take in your flowers and making the area look nice.
I realize you are an adult (I think you might even qualify for the Senior discount), but some of the decisions you make amaze me.
I accept the fact that you like to start your day with a hot cup of black coffee and an even hotter hard-core porn film. But PLEASE, for god’s sake, either close your shades or turn your 64 in. plasma T.V away from the window. It makes it very hard for me to get any exercise in the morning. How am I supposed to raise my heart rate walking back and forth in front of your window every morning?

Your neighbor,
Amy

Another hump day

Is it strange to be aroused by the produce section in the grocery store? I know it probably is, but I find it strangely exciting. Now it can’t be just any produce section, not an Albertson’s after the 5 o’clock rush. No, it has to be a nice, neat store, with a dimly lit, aesthetically pleasing vegetable section. The Ralph’s in Camarillo takes the cake. The lights are low, the fruit is beautifully arranged, and ooohhhhh the eggplant!! I love the eggplant! It is royal looking and shiny AND PURPLE!!!!!!!!

*Sitting down and smoothing hair*

I think it must be all the colors and the smell of fresh vegetables and fruit. Or maybe it is the fact that they do such a great job of displaying it all, I don’t know. All I do know is, I went to work today with a banana in my pocket.

Mondays with Devon

Conversation on the way to school this morning:

D: The pope is dead, right?
M: Yes he is.
D: What do you think he is waiting for?
M: What do you mean?
D: Well, the radio said they were taking him to Vegas to “lay and wait”

WTF!!!!!!!

I got this text from my oldest son last night:

Ther is a priest here at dads he sez if u commit suicide but r savd u wont go 2 hell
Ask g-ma if tats tru
do u think it iz

I couldn’t get through to him.
I can’t wait to here the story behind this!
Maybe they are trying to convert my children to Catholicism.

Fridays are great

I had the most spectacular drive to work today!
Because of all the rain we have received over the last couple of months, every flower known to man is blooming. As I drove down Harbor Blvd, I looked out over the sand dunes covered in iceplants in full bloom. Beyond the sand was the ocean, sparkling in the morning sun. The sun was shining on me and I rolled my windows down to feel the ocean breeze. Then I saw them, by the hundreds, coming straight at my windshield… BUTTERFLIES!!!!!
The Painted Ladies are migrating from Mexico to the Pacific Northwest. It was surreal! It made my day! How can your day go wrong when the sun is shining and the butterflies are fluttering?

Boo Hoo Wednesday

It’s not anywhere near “that time of the month” and I have been tearing up over everything.

It started with a phone call from my husband this morning. He told me that he has officially been made a CORE member of the InterWest team. This means after his 3-month grace period he is eligible for benefits, meaning dental and prescription discounts (medical is provided in Canada). This means he is not thinking about coming home anytime soon, if ever! I didn’t even ask, just said congrats! How long am I supposed to wait around for him to get his shit together?

I miss my boys! I don’t really know what to do when they are gone. I can think of places I would like to go but work gets in the way, damn work.

To top it all off, I spilled coffee on my favorite pheasant shirt on the way to work. As I was trying to wash it off, one of the guys from the factory said, “Why do you wear that shirt? It makes you look pregnant.” I looked at him and said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all!” Great comeback, huh? Then holding back the tears I said, “If I were pregnant that would make me the Virgin Mary, only I’m not a virgin and my name isn’t Mary!!” Geez, I was on a roll! What a dork! I stomped to the bathroom and cried.

I feel better now and I know I have to address the issues with my husband. “Shit, or get off the pot” applies to both of us.

Easter with me

Another holiday spent alone.
I am getting use to it.
It was easier before, because I had my husband to spend time with. Now it is just me! I had a busy day, which was good. I went to a church service in the park by my house. It was a great service. I think every service should be outdoors. They had a full praise band playing and the little kids danced in the grass in their Easter outfits. The sun was shining and the palm trees swayed gently in the light breeze. It was wonderful.
After church, I went to a friend’s house for an Easter brunch. We had Mimosas, muffins, boiled eggs, fruit and candy. We colored eggs. The older kids poo-pooed the idea, so we moms did the coloring. We made some beauties and had a blast. They have an 18-month-old daughter and we watched her find eggs and toss them around until they broke open. Of course, she is too young for candy, so the adults all fought over it. We sat on their deck and got our fill of “baby love” (another friend has a 6 wk old baby boy).
Next I headed to a neighbors house for an Easter harbor cruise. We took the dingy out and had some cocktails on the water; we even did a good deed. We towed a stranded boat to its dock. We got home just as the sun was starting to set.
I made my way home after a quick walk on the beach to watch the sun set. It was so incredibly romantic, I even tried to hold my neighbors hand (she wasn’t very thrilled). I put my warm comfy pj’s on and snuggled up on the couch to watch a movie.
It was an enjoyable day. I am also learning to enjoy my own company. I am so darn witty at times, although I must look like a lunatic talking to myself and laughing at my own jokes.

I have been waiting and waiting for this to go on sale! 

HAPPY EASTER!!!! 

Clueless

There is this older man that works in our office. He is a nice guy but he has developed this little problem. He has a gas leak of some sort. Maybe it’s just a loose rectum, I don’t know. Anyway, he farts a lot. This has just started recently and must be diet related.
Last week, as he was leaving our office, he called out to another employee. As he did he let loose several farts that exploded like machine gun fire. My office mate and I sat in silence for several seconds and then I said, “Laura, was that you?” I couldn’t help it, I had to laugh. She said, “Nnnoooo, it was NOT me!” We laughed for about half and hour about it. I continued to laugh most of the day anytime I thought about it. He continued to fart about the office all week, not even batting an eye. We had a good time laughing about it, but give me a break!
This week has been the same only with smell effect! This does NOT make me laugh. Now he putts around leaving this smell, like bad produce (Lay off the broccoli man).
We finally mentioned it to our boss who said he would talk to him. Guess what he said?
He said he didn’t know he was doing it! He is hard of hearing and couldn’t hear himself farting around the office.
WTF! What about the feeling of air leaving your puckered old rectum? What about the smell? He has to know that he is doing this. I am so like…sure!!!!!!

I know when I fluff (girl-like), how about you?

Rummy and Coke

My boys had a 6:30 a.m. flight this morning.
That means we had to be at the airport at 4:30
That means we had to leave the house at 3:15
Which meant that I had to get up at 2:00!

I feel yucky, way to much caffeine.

My liver is turning green and my toenails are falling off

Why do we feel so comfortable talking to our hairdressers? I called to make an appointment today and when she asked how I was, I said, “I’m great, except for the fact that my pants keep falling down and my hair is sticking up!”. Why the hell did I feel the need to blurt that out?! Good thing she has a great sense of humor and she knows me. She might think I’m mental otherwise. DON’T EVEN SAY IT!!

I think that might make a good theme for a country song…
My pants are falling down
My hair is sticking up
My baby done and left me
And she took my pick-up truck

White trash

Yes, I went dumpster diving this weekend. It is my new, favorite past time. You can’t even imagine what I found in there (besides the bacon grease all over my favorite lip gloss).
All in all, it was a pretty good weekend. Friday night both boys were at sleepovers so a friend and I decided to meet for drinks. She stood me up, again! I was mad but after a few drinks I just made new friends. We called a taxi and bar hopped to several “beach bars”. We danced at the “Sand Castle” played pool at the “Pee Pee Palace” (long story) and returned for more fun at “The Lobster Trap”. I had so much fun! Ha-ha, take that you bossy, stander upper!!
Most of Saturday was spent recovering. I did some cleaning, some lying down, some cooking, some lying down, some errands, and some more lying down. Saturday night the boys and I watched a movie and ate popcorn (well, they watched the movie, I dozed).
Sunday, we took our usual bike ride to the Farmers Market. I didn’t bother with the produce because the boys are leaving for their dads and it would just go to waste. We wandered over to a boat show and then to “Sea Fresh” to sit on the patio. The weather was perfect; so we drank a few beers and listened to Teresa Russell play her magical guitar.
We rode our bikes home and on my way in I tossed some trash into the dumpster. I stood there while the boys laughed like crazy baboons. I just stood there, holding the garbage as my purse sailed over the wall and into the dumpster. Of course I was wearing light pink and white, perfect colors for dumpster diving! My lip-gloss was everywhere (that will teach me to keep my entire collection in the front pouch of my purse). I found as much of my stuff as possible and climbed out with garbage clinging to my legs. We took showers (me first), ate dinner and climbed in bed early.
It was a pretty good, relaxing weekend, and except for the fact that Nick now has Herpes, we are all clean and feeling well.
Thank God, Nicks Leukemia has cleared up, but now he has a pimple that he is just sure is Herpes. Some girl in his class had a cold sore and he is just positive that he caught it. I have tried everything short of the doctors office to convince him it is a friggin’ pimple. I have never seen a cold sore on someone’s forehead. Oh well, it will go away in a few days and a new crisis will take its place…he has to go to his dad’s.

Me, digging my purse out of the dumpster! How was your weekend?! 

Hell hath no fury...

Like an Irishman scorned!
Happy St. Patrick’s Day to all. Someone asked me this morning if I was Irish. I said, “I used to get a little Irish in me now and then”. Horribly inappropriate and un-lady like, I know. HEHEHE

Nick called me from school this morning saying that his friend J has 3 tickets to a Led Zeppelin concert on March 30th. He has been invited to go with J and his dad. Problem is…he is scheduled to leave for his dads on the 24th. I told him this is not an option, it is court ordered visitation. He said that he would call his dad and ask if he can skip this visit. This is not a good idea, but I think Nick is really looking for any excuse to not go to his fathers (because of issues posted earlier). Unfortunately, things have gotten worse with the “modeling” situation. Nick tried to call and clear things up and his dad asked him to call back another day because “It is G’s birthday and she is very upset about this whole thing, it has ruined her b-day”. He blamed her bad day on Nick! What a dick! He then demanded that Nick tell him who had talked him out of the modeling (meaning me).
Anyway, the whole thing is getting out of hand.
If I call their father and tell him that Nick doesn’t want to come, he will blame me for turning him against them, threaten to take me to court (which means going to Washington), and then belittle Nick. Nick told me he wants to call himself and tell him. This is a huge step for him, but… all HELL will break loose!

Well, I am off to do some work, or at least look like I am working!

It's something and nothing

I am in a funky mood!
I don’t have anything to say, well, nothing nice.
I am tired, emotionally and physically.
I don’t know if my husband is coming home, I don’t know if I care!
I am feeling snubbed by my friends and neighbors but I’ll be damned if I am going to call them. I have this problem with initiating things (most things). I feel like I am always interrupting something or they might not want to talk to me, so I don’t call. I know, I know, pick up the phone, problem solved.
Money is always an issue living in Calif.
Raising a teenager is hard.
Working two jobs is draining.
My house is clean but my closets… sick (not in a cool way). I am a bit obsessive (I seem to be saying that a lot lately) about my house. There is not enough time in the day to get everything done and I stress about it. Unfortunately my closets suffer. If I don’t see it, I am cool, open the closet and my heart starts thumping!
My family is having some communication issues and I wish I could shove them in my closet too. This is one thing that may send me over the edge.
See, what did I say, nothing nice, nothing interesting, nothing funny. Woe is me.
I am done feeling sorry for myself, I think.

In a pickle

The boys’ dad and step-mom are busy. Step-mom is a has been, umm, I mean used to be a model (cat claws bared). She is constantly trying to talk Nick into competing in a model search. Nick is just not interested. I am not really pleased with the thought of him spending all of his free time (and mine) going on auditions and worrying about what he is eating. This is not the lifestyle we are interested in living.
The ex and family are coming to Hollywood in August for a big Dance/Model competition. They have been “encouraging” Nick to say yes to competing in this event. They have sugar coated the whole situation with “you can make enough money to pay for college” or “you could be famous” even “this is a once in a lifetime chance”. Now what kid doesn’t dream of these things, gosh, I still do!
Last Sunday night, about 8:30 p.m., step-mom calls. She knows I put the boys to bed between 8:30 and 9:00 (Nick would die if anyone found out). She tells Nick, who is sitting there with a horrified look on his face, that he has until noon on Monday (the next day) to make a decision. He would be in school on Monday so that actually left him 30 minutes to make that decision. He tells her, in a not so convincing voice, “Ummm, I don’t think I really want to do it”. He continues to make some panic faces and says a few more, “no thanks” and I don’t think so”. I can tell he is stressed so I ask to speak with her. She rambled on and on about Bob Eubanks (I thought he was dead) and the different modeling agencies, including the one she used to model for, and the fact that Nickelodeon and Disney and blah, blah, blah… I only got one-word responses in until I finally just butted in. I told her that the decision was Nick’s and that I thought he had tried to tell her he wasn’t interested. He totally flipped out and started waving his hands and shaking his head. He actually started to cry and mouthed to me that they would be mad. He wants more than anything to please his dad; well, he really just doesn’t want to make him mad. He is a very unforgiving man. I feel bad that he feels this way. He has never been able to speak his mind to his father, out of fear. I had to take back what I had just said to step-mom. I told her the decision was up to Nick, and that I would stand by him, support him, and drive him to hell and back, if he was serious.
Nick and I did our verbal rendition of a Pros and Cons list. His biggest pro and con were the same issue- making his dad happy, or not making him mad. I told him to NOT think about his dad or step-mom or me or anyone else but himself. I said he needed to answer a couple of questions for himself:

Is this something I think I will enjoy doing?
Am I prepared to make the sacrifices needed to accomplish this?
Will this get me to a place I want to be in my future?

He decided to say “yes”. He sent his step-mom an email saying so. The next morning when I got out of the shower Nick was sitting on the couch crying. I already knew what was wrong. He told me that he had felt pressured and that he had made the wrong decision. I told him that he needed to call and tell them that he had changed his mind. He was an absolute wreck but he made the call and left a message. His father has not spoken to him since.
Last night, (a week later) we get an email from step-mom saying that she is excited and has made arrangements to have Nick’s portfolio shot while he is visiting for spring break. She is also going to teach him how to walk and how to stand. She is not going to take “no” for an answer. We sent her an email back saying that there must be a misunderstanding, he is not interested.
I don’t really know what part to play in this whole situation. I do not have a good relationship with their father; in fact he wishes me dead every chance he gets. I want to protect him, of course, but I want him to learn to stand up for himself, to say NO if he means it. I also want him to know if he commits to something he has to follow through. He doesn’t want to go to his fathers now. He will be 1000 miles away and I won’t be much help. I explained that love isn’t a reward for pleasing behavior, it is unconditional. I guess it is hard to understand that, when all you feel you get from a parent is disapproval and love based on circumstances. I’m sure they know my love is unconditional- I can tell it in the way they try and walk all over me.

I have nothing nice to say...

so I won't say anything at all!


DAMN, STUPID, CRAPPY, FUCKING PERIOD!!

I just couldn't help myself.

Hygiene is very important! 

I don't know about you...

but I am repulsed by the new Carl's Jr. adds. The smart ass baby makes me want to scream. I have never consider abortion an option, ever-but this makes me reconsider. The T.V add where he threatens to "grab something on the way out" makes me cross my legs and try not to gag! It is disgusting! The radio version ends with "I could always come out butt first, you would be walking funny for a week!" That is not really appetizing, in fact I may never eat there again! What were they thinking?

Twinkle toes and her son

When my boys were little, (when they still wanted to do everything I did) I would paint their nails with clear polish when I painted mine. This eventually progressed to clear with sparkles. Nick quickly outgrew this but Devon didn’t. This made their dad very angry. He was a mans man and he thought I was turning “his boys” into sissies! He was sure I was going to make them gay (funny I ever divorced the charming, intelligent gent). I assured him that I would not damage their manhood in anyway and that it was fairly normal behavior. Devon eventually moved on too…to Barbie dolls and The Easy Bake Oven! (that just convinced his father that I had ruined him).
He is now all boy. This leads me to Friday night.

After dropping Nick off at a friend’s house, Devon and I stopped to get something to eat. We wandered into a drug store and bought a few things, including some foot cream. We decided we would go home and soak our feet in my footbath. We did some soaking, some scrubbing, and some clipping. I rubbed Devon’s feet with the foot cream and he said it felt “better than eating 10 candy bars” (that is the ultimate heaven to him). I decided to paint my toenails and Devon sat with me, watching Smallville. He finally asked me if I still had “that sparkly” polish?
OMG, Oooooohhh Noooo, I thought to myself, 11 is a little too old for painted nails. I told him that I did. He asked if he could look at it and I took it out of my bag and handed it to him. He rolled it around in his hands and then said, “Could we paint my nails?” OH LORDY! I didn’t want him to feel bad about wanting his nails painted so I said, “sure”.
He promptly reached into the bag and pulled out my brightest shade of red and said, “how about this one?” I tried to convince him that red is really hard to remove, no such luck! He was rolling the bottle in his hands and he asked me “do any boys who aren’t gay paint their nails?” I told him that I know men who get manicures (I just failed to mention that they don’t paint their nails red). I did manage to talk him into only painting his big toes. They looked lovely and we lay on the couch together and admired our toes. Will he outgrow this? Do I really care? Nope!
It was a nice Friday night.

His dad would kill me, I mean really kill me, not just kinda but completely kill me!

He just can't believe I want to eat his friend! 

This is one of the lemons our friend grew, as big as an orange!! 

Weekend

I am adjusting to my new hair. I have gotten mixed reviews. I thought it would make me feel "girly" or more "womanly". Instead, I feel like Bigfoots mother!
I am going to the salon today to have a few inches cut off and then we are off to a Clippers game! I am going to have it styled next week, I think that will help. I was foolish enough to pay a butt load for the hair, I have to make it work for a while.Oh well, I am trying not to be blue about the whole thing, live and learn. I hope I learn before I die!
I am off to the beach for a much needed walk...have a great weekend.
Go Clippers!!

Warning!

On the "Warning Statement" that came with my new flat iron:

#4- Never use while sleeping

?????????? OK!

I'm stuck with it!!!

I don’t think I like the hair! I remember now why I cut it in the first place! It is strange to walk by a mirror or window and see myself with long hair.

I feel like Caroline Ingalls. She never looked right when she took her hair down for bed.

before 

Front. I don't have any clue what to do with all this hair! 

The back. We haven't cut it yet, I don't know how long I want it. 

They all love me, don't they

Despite the fact that Oxnard has over 180,000 people, the beachside community where I live is fairly small. Although we are technically Oxnard, the locals refer to the area as Channel Islands Harbor. Channel Islands Harbor includes the houses that sit on the water and a few blocks surrounding. To the right, along the beach is Oxnard Shores (recently re-named Mandalay Shores) and to the left is Hollywood Beach. These three areas have a combined population of about 2,500 people. A lot of the OSL’s (Oxnard Shore locals) are second and third generation beach bums (with great jobs). You either know personally or recognize most of the locals (except for some weekenders). This is a very laid back, friendly bunch of people. The theme for our block party last year was “I LOOOOVE my neighbors”.

Yesterday after work I made a trip to the grocery store to get some essentials. On the way out of the parking lot someone honked and waved at me. I wasn’t paying that much attention and I just waved back. It is a short drive home and people kept waving at me. I said to the boys, “Isn’t it great to live in such a friendly place?” I had that “I never want to leave my mom” feeling. We pulled into the garage and got out of the car. Of course Nick was the first one out and I heard him say “Oh MOM!” I had left the milk on top of the car. Whoops, I guess I am not as loved as I thought, just a nerd!

Of course I am

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Weekend hodge-podge

Fri- I went out for a few (well, more than a few) drinks with a friend from work. We danced and had fun. He is a very nice guy but I have decided we can’t hang out anymore (unless we are in a group). I don’t know what it is about him, but I am attracted to him. The attraction is purely physical and very intense. He is always the perfect gentleman and I am afraid I may loose control and…well, it wouldn’t be a good idea!

Sat- My hair, where are you? M called me 10 minutes before I was going to leave the house to say my hair didn’t arrive. Geez, just like my hair to make a bad first impression! She called back an hour later to tell me it was held up in customs. WTF! What kind of illegal hair am I getting?! I was disappointed. I had hoped to have the weekend to adjust to my new locks. We made an appointment for Wednesday. I guess that will have to do. I am going to cross my fingers and hope the hair makes it here without breaking any more laws. I would hate to have to explain to my parents that my hair was in jail but I didn’t do anything wrong.

Sun- We rode out bikes to the Farmers Market and then over to Sea Fresh to sit on the patio, eat sushi, and listen to Teresa Russell play. We rode home and I did some laundry and started our Sunday dinner. We had filet mignon in a Jack Daniels sauce, garlic mashed potatoes, homemade rolls and salad. It was delicious, but what a waste of my time and money. The boys were so un-impressed. To them it was just meat and potatoes. The only thing they were excited about was the rolls. At least I know what to make the next time I have company over. Here company company, here company!
It was all in al,l a very laid back weekend. I would like more of these!

So they've lied to me again!

Someone once told me that wearing heels made me look taller (duh) and thinner. So…the other day I found these great, knee high boots, with monster heels. I wore them today with a black skirt, pink tank and black suit jacket. I thought that between the black clothes and the heels I should look like a pencil. WRONG!! As I was leaving the house this morning Nick commented on how tall I looked. I turned around, struck my best supermodel pose and asked, “Do these boots make me look thinner?”
He looked me up and down and said, “No, it just makes your fat look taller.”
Who needs enemies when you have very honest children!

Hair today, more hair tomorrow

I did it! I ordered my hair (that sounds creepy). Now I am having anxiety about the whole thing. What if it gets all knotted and nasty looking? What if the hair is beautiful but makes me look like Miss. Piggy?
I need to loose 10 lbs, quick! Any suggestions, besides stop eating so much?

Step Away From the Dork

I have done the embarrassing again!
Short version:

Somtimes, you don't feel everthing you should. This includes tucking your suit jacket into your tights.
Because I have tattoos, I wear thick tights when I have an important meeting. These tights are wicked! They are like a really thick condom; You feel the major stuff, but not the important stuff.
Enough said. They laughed at me!

Chili, I love you!!! I won second place and I am tired. 

What caused this? He couldn't make his bed because he thought there may have been an earthquake? Okay, I wasn't born yesterday. 

Go home!

It is raining hard, AGAIN!
I can’t stand the “overly cautious” drivers. Yes people, it is raining, really hard! Yes, we should slow down, but give me a friggin’ break. Doing 20 in a 50 is stupid! People are flying by (40 mph) the lady, showering her with water and causing her to step on her breaks and piss everyone off. To top it all off, she is driving without her lights on. Come on, if you are going to drive slower than my grandma, at least turn your lights on. Actually, pull over or go home

stupid quote of the day

I was walking through the factory today and an add was playing on the radio. It was a dealership pushing there “sale” on Hummers (as if a sale makes that much difference). The add ended with “Everyone wants to drive a Hummer”. I said (out loud of course), “not me”. A couple of the guys looked at me funny so I said, “How about you guys, would you like a Hummer?” I knew immediately what I had just done so I kept walking. I wanted to run! I could hear them still laughing as I entered my office. BONE HEAD!!

Feeling...kinda human

I have been a mess. I just feel like a pile of crap (I look like one too)! I am emotionally and physically sick. I think the flu was just enough to push me over the edge emotionally. I am not sure where my marriage is going, I am supporting and raising two boys on my own, I am trying to hold down two jobs and I am just freakin' tired!! Whine, Whine, Whine. It doesn't make anything better, just make me feel better.
There, I am all better.
Yeah, just like that.
When I get home I will find an attractive husband, a pile of money and two clean, smiling boys holding my slippers!

I'm sick...

in the head and body! I can't think, speak or... gotta run...got the runs...

May I have a wig please?!

Quick background: My husband is Canadian. We met 7 years ago when I was working at a snowboard factory in Washington State (he was the head sales rep in Canada). We got married 4 yrs ago and moved to California. 16 months ago he had a Heart Attack, lost his job, we lost our house and his visa expired. He went back to Canada (for medical/insurance reasons). I am not sure where our relationship will end up but we are trying to make it work. Regardless, he will always be one of my best friends.

I emailed him telling him I was thinking about getting hair extensions. I asked him if it would be all right with him (he prefers me with short hair). He was a little confused about what extensions are. This is part of his response and my reply. I just think it is so silly.

Him:
As for your hair, do as you wish. Its entirely up to you but thank you for asking. I don't really know what extensions are but isn't it kinda like a wig??? Maybe you should take ***** with you for another opinion!? Please send me the before and after pics though!!

Me:
My darling,
Yes, I am thinking about getting a wig. It would fill that pet, husband void. I could wear it during the day and at night I could remove it, clean it, pet it and sleep with it. All problems solved. I would name it something like "Precious" or "Bobo". Yeah, the wig is a great idea, it would always do what I ask and never talk back! Hmmm, maybe I should get several different colors.
Hehehe, I've had too much wine!
I will still love you; a wig has no sense of humor,
ME

I'm no Pamela

Nick is in love! He is in love with Pamela Anderson. He has her picture on his computer desktop, his folder for math class, and his P.E. agenda. He had to do a collage for art class and the theme was “something that you enjoy”. It was Pamela (he enjoys her in his dreams, ewww, that might explain the crusty bathroom towel). After he got off the computer last night I knew she was on his mind. He sat in the chair across from me and kept glancing at my chest.
He finally said, “You breast fed me, didn’t you?”
M-“Yes” I said.
N-“For how long?” he asked.
M-“For about 9 months” I replied
N-“That’s kind of gross”
M-“No, it is a very special thing. It is the best thing for a baby and it creates a special bond.”
N- Just sat there looking puzzled and a little disgusted.
N- “No wonder I don’t like milk!” he said as he jumped up a sprinted down the hall
M- Hollering after him “You’d like milk if I was Pamela!”

Now, I know that was not the most mature response but it sure made him smile.

The lunch lady drives a Hummer?

When I took Devon to school this morning we followed a Hummer into the parking lot. He thought it was “soooo cooool”. We parked and so did the Hummer. As we were getting out of the car, Devon exclaimed, “Oh, its Lila”.
“Who’s Lila” I ask.
“The lunch lady” He says.
“The lunch lady!” I repeat like an idiot
“Yep” he says.
“The lunch lady drives a Hummer?!”
ONLY IN CALIFORNIA!!!!

My funny, funny Valentine

He knows me. He understands me. He makes me laugh. He laughs at me. He laughs with me. He cries with me. He gets mad at me, but never too mad. He appreciates my sense of humor. He is my companion, but sooo far away. He is my sounding board. He is always there for me. He is my best friend. He is my husband!!

I'm exhausted

Last night I had a dream that while I was in the kitchen making bread, there were people in my living room torturing Vietnam Veterans and Demi Moore. I was horrified but the soldiers instructed me to “not look and stay out of it”. The only thing I could do was sneak down the hall and turn on the ceiling fan so they would be more comfortable. Some of the men being tortured were old veterans and others were young, but in black and white (like old war footage). They were being hooked up to wires and shocked. Demi was lying on the couch; it was my ex-mother in laws old couch even though it was in my living room. I was so upset but I knew that in the end Demi would save them all and end up a Navy Seal. It was very troubling but I just continued to make bread.
What the hell was all this about? I have an idea but my head hurts too much to think about it.

My W face

Miserable Failure Monkey Face

What's" Your George W. Bush Monkey Face?

You might be Blonde if...

This past month has been hard on me emotionally. I have been extremely impatient, easily flustered, and have been crying over little things. At one point I thought I might have a nervous breakdown.
Usually I can handle my two kids and two jobs with a few minor meltdowns, nothing I can’t work through. This is my second month on high dose birth control pills (for cysts, no action taking place at my house). I thought this might be the problem but I only have to take them for one more month. As I was lying in bed last night thinking over the last month I realized I hadn’t taken my pill. I got up, and out of curiosity I got the pamphlet out that came with the pills. There in bold letters it says, “Take the white pills first followed by the blue pills.".
WTF!!! I HAVE BEEN TAKING THEM BACKWARDS!!
I am driving down a one-way street the wrong way; I am a train wreck waiting to happen! I have decided to derail myself and start again next month.
I am an idiot!

Marty Who?

Our Mardi gras celebration was short-lived due to homework. That’s all right, as I told the boys: “Every Tuesday is Fat Tuesday for mom.”
It was fun even though the jambalaya was a little too spicy and the beer- boiled okra was…okra! They thoroughly enjoyed the Cream Soda.
It was the thought that counts, right?!

Mardi Gras with the McCabe boys! 

That crazy feeling again!

I am feeling that old familiar urge, that insatiable craving, and it is becoming an obsession- again. Stop me, please, someone! I have come so far and my life has gone in an entirely different direction. I have been free of this addiction for 6 years now. I really don’t want to go back, but it is pulling me.
I find myself looking lovingly at big hairy bikers and strange punks on the street. I have started to doodle designs on my napkins at lunch. I have even been thinking about where I would do the deed, where I would put my next tattoo.
I won’t, I can’t, I shouldn’t… I really wanna!

I want my bed!!!!

I need an extra day to recover from the weekend!
Saturday night some friends and I rented a limo and went to The Cheesecake Factory in Westlake Village. It was an early Valentines Day present for the three couples I went with and my gift to myself (yes, I love myself…often). The ladies all agreed to wear red and we played a drinking game on the way to the restaurant. If you answered the trivia question correctly, you got love beads, if you didn’t answer correctly you took a drink. I missed several on purposeJ.
They all gave me a hard time when I ordered a beer at dinner. They told me that since I was all dressed up I should drink a classier drink. I decided to have my first martini, just to make them all happy. I had a very sweet, yummy, strawberry martini. I loved it so much I had 4 more! I followed that with a couple beers in the limo on the way home.
I was so sick on Sunday and I was co-hostess of a Super bowl party. I drank water and lemonade and ate a hot dog, but that was it. Everyone had a rip-roaring good time and I tried my best to be a good hostess. My friends must hate me because they kept asking me to make them Margaritas! It was all I could do to keep from throwing up in the blender!
Some day I will learn my lesson. Moderation is NOT my middle name.

My hero

Devon saved my life last night.
I was washing walls and when I stood up to do the top half of the wall, yikes, a spider! I am soooo scared of spiders. I hollered for someone to “come quick and kill this spider!” Devon came running! He hates killing anything so he wanted to rescue it. I didn’t care as long as it was far away from me.
He used the broom to get the spider and carefully carried him out the front door. He took him out to the grass and I could hear him say, “Run away little guy, and don’t come back. Make sure you go to someone else’s house. If you come back in ours, that big lady is going to squish you!” It was so cute. I told him he was my hero and he just said “MOOoooom! He is just a friendly little spider.”
Friendly, my ass! He was just waiting until I was asleep, he was going to eat me alive!!!!!!!

How true

This morning- Devon eyeing my Slim Fast:

D- Does that taste good?
M- Yes, its pretty good.
D- It's a good thing because I don't think they work very well!
M- Thanks a lot!

When mom is a bitch, we spin our chicken

Last night I was a bitch. I was not just a little crabby, I was intolerable. I was tired, sore, and fed up with doing everything myself. I know today that it is my own fault. I am the parent and if I need help, I need to ask. They would never think to clean their room on their own (unless of course they have allowance on their mind). I bitched and moaned and made everyone really sorry to be in my presence. I made Devon cry over his homework, I made Nick run for the cover of his bedroom, even the fish seemed to be hiding behind rocks. One of my best friends from High School called and after about 10 minutes into our conversation he asked if it was “my time”. I almost hung up on him!
Note to male friend: Never ask a girl that, EVER!
I felt bad and I decided to try and be agreeable. I called for a “Pinner Dinner” and that seemed to help smooth things over a little. At least they weren’t curled up in the corner anymore.

Years ago, I bought two wooden Lazy Susans to use for a brunch I was having. My boys decided one night to eat dinner on the “spinners”- thus, “Pinner Dinner” was born (Devon couldn’t say spinner). We would spin them around and what ever ended up in front of you, you took a bite of. Sometimes I would announce “Pinner Dinner” if I made something I knew they wouldn’t be thrilled with. It made a huge difference and we got through dinner with little or no grumbling. We have continued this and still call it “Pinner Dinner”. Now that the boys are older, they can eat on the floor with the spinners. I love “Pinner Dinners”.

Isn't it a swell day, Wally?

Today I feel like Beaver Cleaver! I am not sure why or how, I just do!
The doctor gave me a prescription for muscle relaxers and sent me home to lie down. I refuse to take muscle relaxers because they make me feel like a pile of useless mush. About midnight I woke up in horrible pain. I got up and rummaged through my purse, found the prescription, and headed to the all night pharmacy. I got the pills and took one while I was sitting in the car.
Bad idea. I feel like my hair has teeth. I actually tried to put mascara on my lips this morning! While I was making copies this morning I actually fell over. I was just standing there waiting for page 10 and…plop, right on the file cabinet. It hurt my back and I think I may have injured my prostate!
This is exactly why I don’t take medication like this. It is not….OH WALLY, YAHOO, WALLY…I can’t…WAIT WALLY…what do you mean you’re not Wally?

Good news, Bad news

Work has been really kicking my butt this week. My co-worker is still out recovering from knee surgery and I am being worked to death.

Good News:
I am very happy to say that I am not being underpaid. After last week my boss and his wife called a meeting and told me that they really appreciated all the work I do. (They appreciate me more now that J (boss’s wife) is trying to help out) They gave me a raise! A $5.00 AN HOUR RAISE!! This really helps since Bethann (my car) is no longer with me and I had to get a new one with higher payments.
I got Nick’s report card and he made the honor role, again! Yeah Nick!!
Things were looking rosey…

Bad News:
I got home yesterday to find a notice in the mail saying my rent is going up. If it weren’t for the fact that it costs so much to move, I would be out of there. Really, who in their right mind would pay $1500.00 a month for a 2-bedroom town home? Me, that’s who!
This morning I started out early to work. It is the first day of the month and that means closing last month and plenty of other work to be done. I made it almost to the freeway before being rear-ended by a young girl who was preoccupied with lighting her cigarette.
I have never been in an accident and I just got a new car! I feel awful! My neck is getting stiff, I feel dizzy and slightly like I might vomit. I have a 3:15 appt with the doctor, just for insurance purposes.” Better safe than sorry”, they said.

Oh well, things could be worse…PLEASE GOD, NOOO!!!!

I'M NOT A LOSER, I'M NOT A LOSER

Out my backdoor on a beautiful Sunday! 

Nick is having a Birthday!!!!!

Today is Nick’s birthday. My baby, my first-born is 14 years old. It seems like I was just taking him to his first day of kindergarten, and now we are looking at the first day of High School.
I was in labor with him for 3 days. It was awful (most labor is). We lived in a small rural town and my doctor was on vacation. The attending physician kept sending me home even though I was having contractions every 5 minutes. He said my cervix was not dilating. At about the 60 hr mark I told my husband we were “going to the hospital and I wasn’t leaving until I had a baby.” When I arrived at the hospital they informed me that the doctor was on his way back from the airport and he wanted them to admit me. I was two weeks overdue and he was not pleased that they had let me go on this long. He checked me and said he could feel the baby’s head but my cervix was only dilating on one side. That one side was almost fully dilated. He told me he needed to manually dilate me and of course at that point I didn’t give a rats ass. Never again! That was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I can’t even explain it. It sent sharp pains down to my toes, paralyzing pain. I try to be kind in all situations, but this time I couldn’t hold it in. I finally said something like “Why don’t you just take off your coat and climb in!” Finally, fully dilated, I felt the urge to push. I pushed, pushed, and pushed some more. After almost 3 days with out sleep and after 3 hrs of pushing I couldn’t go anymore. Every time I would stop pushing, Nick would slide back up. The doctor asked the nurse to call OR and have them prepare for a C-section. I begged for one more chance and I pushed until I burst blood vessels in my eyes. Several more pushed produces a head but his shoulders were stuck. They had to break his collarbone and in return he (Nick) broke my tailbone. When he was placed on my stomach I was so happy that I forgot the pain I was feeling. He was beautiful. His head, even after 3 hours of pushing was perfectly round (except for a moon shaped bulge where he had pushed against my half dilated cervix.) He had a dimple in his chin just like my dad and he was wide-eyed. The entire stay in the hospital he cried, little did I know that he would cry non-stop for 6 months. I didn’t care, I was in love.
Nick and I have a special bond; we are too much alike sometimes. He was my little buddy, we actually grew up together. Things are changing quickly for him and I am the one having the trouble with it. I wanted him to be my “little helper” forever.
He is becoming a young man and I only want the best for him. I know I can’t make decisions for him, but I am trying to help him make the right ones. It is very hard for me to let go of the little boy who once needed me for everything. Whatever happened to the little boy who wanted to live with me until he was 66?

HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TO THE MAN OF THE HOUSE!!
I LOVE YOU MORE!!!!

Birthday menu: Breakfast was orange juice and B.P. (breakfast pizza). It sounded horrible when he requested it but ended up being yummy. It was crust, light pizza sauce, scrambled eggs, bacon, and cheese. Lunch was (I didn’t forget) a bagel with cream cheese and pepperoni, juice, celery with peanut butter, and Fire Hot Cheetos. For dinner he has asked to go to The Olive Garden. He and his best friend want to wear ties, with their t-shirts of course.

Birthday boy and Stanley the 'shroom 

I am so uncool...

that my son is embarrassed by me even though we are the only ones home. During our homework marathon tonight Devon was on a role. He was HOT and the answers were coming quick. Everytime he would get one right he would say "Whoop, there it is!" I was getting very excited too, this is a new thing for him (understanding his work on his own). I just couldn't contain myself any longer. The next right answer and I was out of the kitchen and doing a little dance. It ended with a very cool (or so I thought) "Whoop, there it is!" Devon's face scrunched up and he said "Moooom, please don't do that, it's not right. Even though we're the only ones home you're really embarrassing me."
Wow, how bad is that?!

This is "what kind of sexy" I am?! How about you?

You Are Fun Sexy You're funny, quirky, cute, and sassy.Guys always have a great time with you, and that alone is sexy.You've got an upbeat, optimistic spirit that totally shines through.Any guy would be crazy to turn you down! What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Well, how about that?!

I feel normal today! Hurray! I think I can make it to Friday, I think!

This is soo NOT funny

Tonight the boys and I watched American Idol. We love to watch it together and laugh. After the last couple of days at work my nerves are shot and dealing with a teenager just about puts me over the edge. Nick insisted on talking through the entire show. He asked me questions about Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix. He asked me why they call pot "bud". He asked me if our toenails really grow after we die. He asked me how long it will take for his pimple to go away and if I think he will grow taller than his dad. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I was just about to flip out and tape his mouth shut when he got quiet. I took a few deep breaths (which by the way does NOT calm me down) and settled in to watch the show. All of the sudden Nick jumps out of his chair and starts into his Pink Floyd/Casualties/ Elvis impersonation. It was so hideous that I had to laugh, for a second. I forget that laughter is encouraging. He continued his "act". I finally snapped "stop, Stop, STOPPPP!" I gave him my "I can't take anymore" speech followed by the "It's my cranky time" speech. We managed to make it through the last 10 minutes of the show. I could tell Nick was struggling to control himself and on the way down the hall he breaks into song. As he gets to the door of his bedroom he shakes his butt and sings something about riding his bicycle. It was so ridiculous that I had to laugh. It made me feel better even though I kept telling myself "This is so not funny". I want to go to bed.
GOODNIGHT!

How do you like me now?

I love my new look! Don't I look younger? Thank you Luka!!!

Who could ask for anything more?

I was soooo glad to be off work today that even the traffic on the drive home didn’t bother me. We get off work at 4:00 so we beat it most of the time. The drive home was slow today but I just turned up the music and sang away!
I picked up Devon at school and headed to the grocery store. I had put a roast in the crock-pot this morning and I knew it would be waiting when we got home. When we walked in the front door the whole house smelled like burnt meat! I knew immediately that something was wrong. My lucky crock-pot would not let me down. I walked into the kitchen to find my lovely, white tile counters, covered with blood and beef broth, along with some onion slices and spices. My “pot” had cracked down the side! I don’t know how or why but I am devastated! I have had this crock-pot for 15 yrs. It is ugly and small but it is special to me. Two years ago I entered my first “chili cook-off” and took 3rd place. This last year I took 1st place and I chalk it up to my lucky crock-pot (It was honestly, my second time to ever make chili). Along with 1st place, I also got a ribbon for the ugliest crock-pot. I vowed to continue using it even though I really need a bigger one.
I did manage to save the roast, kind of.
After I bleached the tile on my counter I needed to do a load of laundry. I threw the messy rags in the washer and finished dinner. On my way down the hall to tell the boys to wash up, I felt wet, squishy carpet. My washer was leaking and the hall was flooded. I got the clean towels out of my bathroom and tried to soak up as much water as possible. I ended up pulling the carpet up and setting fans on both sides of the hall.
I cried. I had just had it and I couldn’t take anymore. I cried again. Finally, when the tears were gone I felt this huge relief and then this huge gush! Uh huh, my period! What more can I say, a perfectly awful ending to a perfectly awful day!

Anyone see my marbles rolling by?

The lady I share my office with is out for two week due to knee surgery. This means I am working with the boss’s wife. She is a lovely Belgian lady about 70 yrs old. She hasn’t worked here for years, speaks broken English and…well, this means I am doing all the work. This morning she asked me a question that was only half in English. When she saw the look on my face she said “Oh, Flemish just came out of my mouth”. Of course I immediately looked at my shirt, searching for phlegm!
I am not easily rattled but I feel like I may cry at any minute. My heart is racing, I am all flustered, and I feel like I am being buried alive. Is this what it feels like when you “loose it”?

It's Monday...

the most depressing day of the week.
I hated this weekend to end.
The weather was perfect.

The kids and I have a Sunday tradition. We get on our bikes about 11:00 and ride down to the Farmers Market for some VERY good Mexican food. If it is raining we will drive and get the food to go, we must have our gorditas! Then we wander around and pick out our fruits and veggies for the week. We usually ride our goodies home and turn around and ride back to the Harbor. Twice a month my favorite local artist (T.R) plays at “Sea Fresh” which is a fresh fish market and restaurant upstairs. They have a great patio that sits on the water. T.R. starts performing on the patio at 1:00 and ends at 4:00. That is the perfect time for heading home to start dinner. Yesterday we decided to take advantage of the weather (they are forecasting rain later in the week) and stayed to have a bowl of seafood chowder. Well, I had the chowder; the boys had chicken and fries (it’s a shame they don’t like fish!). We rode our bikes home and settled in for our Sunday evening. I made cookies and we ate them with ice cream while we watched “Extreme Home Makeover”. Then, off to bed where I snuggled in and watched a little Court TV. It was a good day. Damn Monday has to ruin it all!

I should shut up now

When I walked into his office this morning, my boss was eating a sandwich. He asked me “Do you want some tuna for breakfast?” I replied, “No thanks, I have my own.” He just stared blankly at me. I fumbled for words and said “Well, I don’t really have a tuna sandwich, oh dear, never mind!” I don’t know what I was thinking! It was my attempt at vulgar humor and my brain was clearly, still asleep. Unfortunately, my mouth was wide-awake! I am very embarrassed and haven’t spoken to him since. I’m sure he is wondering what is wrong with me and making arrangements for drug testing.
Geez, I am such a dork!!

Not working out

My feet and my breasts are ready to go, the rest of my body just won’t cooperate!
I bought a new Jogbra and new running shoes so I could begin jogging again (as if I was a serious jogger before). I made several mistakes this morning:

1. I didn’t break in my new shoes
2. I didn’t realize that at 4:30 a.m. my body would need more of a warm up than the usual stretch or two.

By the end of my short jog this morning the only things that felt like it had gotten a workout were my sore feet and my even sorer (is that a word?) breasts! I was very glad it was dark. I looked like my mother trying to catch the mailman- arms and legs flailing (probably in different directions). Lord knows I am lucky I didn’t throw my back out. Working-out is not working-out, but what are my options at that time in the morning?

Enjoy Martha Lutin Day!

When Nick was in 2nd grade, he came home from school on Friday waving a yellow paper. He was very excited and told me he didn’t have school on Monday. He continued to wave his paper and proudly announced “Monday is Martha Lutin Day”. He wasn’t really sure who “she” was but he was happy to celebrate “her” day.

That's what I'm talking about!

Oh the joy, the smile it brought to my face...being in control.
Living with a teenager can make you feel like you are loosing control sometimes. They walk around, causing emotional havoc, whining, complaining until you think you will just freak out. Drama, drama, drama!
I had Nick and 3 friends in the car, doors locked, driving down the road and I got revenge! I put in my Michael McDonald CD and cranked the volume to 45. They nearly died! They couldn't get out of the car fast enough. I heard Nick's friend "Fro boy" say "Dude, your mom has bad music." Hehehe, oh the joy!

Score: Nick- 1 Mom-1

See my new shoes... 

They make me run REAL fast! 

Mom needs a time-out!

Last night as I am TRYING to make dinner, Nick is standing on the other side of the bar watching me cook and asking questions. We had this conversation:

“Is dinner ready yet?” “No, I am working on it”
“What’s for dinner?” “Spaghetti with meatballs and salad”
“Can we have French bread too?” “Yes”
“Can’t we have something else?” “No, this is what we are eating tonight”
“I will eat a Hot Pocket” “No you won’t”
“How long until it’s ready?” “Much sooner if you go find something else to do”
“I don’t want to much sauce on mine” “I know, I won’t try to kill you”
“Did you know that pasta is a carb?” “Yes, I do”
“What is in the meatballs?” “Meat, parmesan cheese, egg, and garlic”
“Oh”
“Is that how you normally make them?” “Yes”
“How much longer, I am really hungry” “Half an hour, go wash up”
“Why? I have half an hour” Silence
“OK, I’ll go wash”

Then poor Devon walked in and asked “What’s for dinner?”
“ For crying out loud! We are having Goat Testicle Stew, now go wash you hands”

I heard him ask Nick in the bathroom “What’s a goat testicle?”

Which is worse?

Being with someone and feeling all alone or actually being alone?

You know that old lady that insists on hugging you?

Well, I am going to hire her to babysit Nick! Yes, that one with the really big, saggy boobs. They ones that smoosh in your face as she hugs every last breath from your body.
He is still out on Christmas break, the longest break in history!. He doesn't go back to school until Tuesday and that is not soon enough. He is driving me crazy!
He has called me at work about 12 times... in the last hour!

IM update

Nick called me to see if he could go online to look at a picture his friend had sent him of a girl he was chatting with last night. She is the cousin of his best friend and she likes him (they have never met yet she loves him, aww, young love). I told him he had 15 minutes online. He called me about 10 minutes later and was frantic. He said she was really "not attractive" and he didn't know what to do. I told him as long as they hadn't already planned a wedding date he was safe. I told him to tell her "thanks" for the picture and my mom said I have to get offline.
I don't like this at all!
We will talk tonight!

I think I've experienced a natural disaster!

This morning I am wearing a necklace I bought about 10 yrs ago but just found last week. It is a big heart followed by 3 smaller hearts. Devon asked me about it this morning. I explained that I bought it when he was a baby and that the hearts represented his dad, me, Nick and him. He said, “How come I am the smallest heart?” I told him “Because you are the youngest, but look, you are the closest to my heart”. He wrinkled his nose and said with disgust “Looks like I am the closest to your boob crack!”

Well that doesn’t sound very attractive but I guess to an 11 yr old boy it isn’t. I just chuckled and looked in the mirror. I realized that 10 yrs ago the necklace was a little closer to my “boob crack”. My neck must have grown, I have gained a lot of weight!

Is a BOOB SLIDE classified as a natural disaster?